Last Little Blog Post...

SIKE!

actually I'm moving to Reed and I's new blog...

http://themillikens.blogspot.com/

Anyways, I'm going to try and post something over there today! So get excited!

P.S. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY LAST NAME IS MILLIKEN!! Yeah, I'm blessed, Reed's the best thing I could have wished for :)

The last one....

This is it.

The last section of the CPA exam.

Maybe not the last one I'll take, because I haven't gotten the scores back.

But the last "first time" I'll take it.

Preparing for these exams has been an up and down, rough and tumble experience.

I think mostly I've learned what it is to trust in God, what it is to love Him over worrying and what it is to choose joy over my circumstances.

I've been reflecting a lot about how God's plan is just so amazingly better than I could have ever imagined...it humbles me that I see it, yet I still choose to worry and "take control".

From here on out, I am determined to hold fast to God's will and to trust in that completely.

I pretty much can guarantee that I won't be perfect at this all the time, but I want to look to Him when things are hard and I want to choose to abide in Him.

4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
5 Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
Psalm 43:4-5

Fixing our eyes upon Jesus

These verses have been challenging and encouraging me this morning...especially with my tendency to let my emotions rule over me. Jesus had emotions, it is evident by His prayers in Gethsemane, but His response is the key. He sought the Father's will (Matthew 26). Through that obedience to the Father, He endured the cross and suffered shame...all for the JOY set before Him. Our Abiding in Christ, Our obedience and submission to His will above our own, these things are what will lead to joy. Not a hope that an emotion might change. Emotions can be all over the place, but my joy remains full in Christ.

Matthew 26:36-46

The Garden of Gethsemane

³⁶ Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray."

³⁷And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed.

³⁸Then He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me."

³⁹And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will."

⁴⁰And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, "So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour?

⁴¹"Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

⁴²He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, "My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done."

⁴³Again He came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.

⁴⁴And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more.

⁴⁵Then He came to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Behold, the hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners.

⁴⁶"Get up, let us be going; behold, the one who betrays Me is at hand!"

Hebrews 12:1-3

Jesus, the Example

¹Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

²fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Abide in Me

My last post was about how I have been struggling with feeling down lately.

I have been praying so much about this in just a raw way. I don't know how to fix it, I don't have strength or will power...I know that I need God's strength. Its the kind of prayer that brings me back to my need for Christ and out of my own illusion of self control.

I want to say this because I want you to know where I was when I wrote that blog post. I was in need and I knew it. About the only thing going for me was the fact that I had a mustard seed of faith and a knowledge that my faith in Christ was the only answer...and so I prayed, not really knowing what to pray, but prayed for help.

It's amazing how faithful God is. The NIGHT after I wrote that blog post, I was digging through my room (at that point there were still a lot of random things scattered around my room) and I found a folder that I had labeled "Bible Studies". I got them off of this website called Lily7 forever ago and I decided to flip through them.

The first was one called 7 days of prayer and I thought "Hmmm, this could be good and helpful since I'm struggling right now", so I kind of put it to the side. The next one was called "Eternity" and I didn't feel really drawn to this one (at least not to do it right now, it looks great). The last one is the one that just took my breathe away...

It was called "Joy". Wow. God, You are AMAZING. And so faithful. I've only just started the study, but its already hit me at the core of my issues...

Getting caught up in my own circumstances and my own self-pity, instead of focusing on the joy that is given through the fruit of the spirit. The core scripture is the following text and it has just hit me SOOOO deep because it is so clear about this subject of joy (and by relation, the feelings of despair and defeat I've been having). It is John 15:1-1...Seriously read this...its so good!

John 15

Jesus Is the Vine--Followers Are Branches

¹"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ²"Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³"You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.

⁴"ABIDE IN ME, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it ABIDES in the vine, so neither can you unless you ABIDE IN ME. ⁵"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who ABIDES IN ME and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶"If anyone does not ABIDE IN ME, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned.

⁷"If you ABIDE IN ME, and My words ABIDE in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸"My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. ⁹"Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; ABIDE IN MY LOVE. ¹⁰"If you keep My commandments, you will ABIDE in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and ABIDE in His love. ¹¹These things I have spoken to you so that My JOY may be in you, and that your JOY may be made FULL. (Emphasis mine)

These verses are just so neat...I mean it makes a reference to abiding in Christ 10 times! This relationship between the vine and the vinedresser and the branches is key to how I've been feeling. Jesus talks about life when we do not abide in Him, it is desolate, withered and futile. But it glorifies God that we bear fruit and prove to be His disciples. Abide in Him. Abide in His love. Theses are the directions Jesus has for us.

And the neatest part for me is the last sentence. The reason, the purpose of speaking these things to you is so that His JOY may be in me and that my JOY may be made full. Our joy is in abiding in Christ and not abiding in ourselves...it is in glorifying God, not glorifying the circumstances of life.

Wow...God is so good and so faithful and so sovereign and so compassionate. I have failed over the past month to see that joy is the fruit of the Spirit, it is not a circumstance that I may happen to be in one day and not happen to be in the next.

I am still learning and working through this, but I just wanted to proclaim how faithful God is when we seek Him. He has totally answered my prayer and is healing my heart from my selfishness. He proves over and over, everday that He is a God who is loving and compassionate and always FAITHFUL.

Confession

I need to confess something that has been going on for maybe the last month or so. I mainly want to do this to 1) ask anyone who reads this to pray for me 2) to foster transparency in my life and 3) to remind myself how much I am still daily in need of Jesus' grace.

Lately I've been struggling with depression-like thoughts. I don't think it is really depression, but I have been just stuck in a rut. I'm not always upset, but I'm mostly apathetic to "down" about things. I've found that I feel defeated a lot with life and school and the feelings of sadness as I walk away from College Station.

I've been praying a lot about these feelings and about how to deal with them. When it comes right down to it, I've chosen to settle into these feelings because I've chosen to focus on myself and my circumstances. Mostly the things that I have chosen to get down about are: the CPA exam, feeling like I don't have time to spend with friends, struggling with still being sick with mono and feeling like I'm always doing something without stopping to take a breath.

Life is hard, but I don't think that I should be choosing to feel down. And I know it's a choice I've made and that its going to be hard to conquer. In fact, on my own, impossible to conquer. But I know that God is love and the His Word says that we have a hope and a future.

I have something to have joy about. Maybe I won't be happy all the time, but I have a reason to have a deep down joy. I'm trying to get that right in my heart. I'm trying to let go of dwelling on myself. But I know that in the end, it is only through God's grace that this is accomplished.

Thanks for listening and thanks for praying...I feel hope rising in me, which is so encouraging, but I know this might be longer than an "overnight" thing. God is teaching me something and I know He is faithful...so I'm going to continue to seek Him through this.

I need your HELLLLLP :)

Okay I'm making my wedding playlist right now and I need song requests sooooooo

any ideas?

Busy, Busy Bees

This week is going to be incredibly busy.

Not really for me, but for Reed it is going to be intense. He is working 40 hours a week and on top of that is having to take 2 tests, 3 or so quizzes, revise and add to his poetry portfolio and write a couple papers....oh and study for finals....

Oh and he has his brother's graduation and his own bachelor party this weekend, which leaves next to no time this week for anything but studying.

I literally blocked out his time this week and have a "life planner" as I like to refer to it. But basically every night after work or class he has to stay up until midnight doing homework. And then he has to wake up early just to start it all over again.

I know that a lot of people function like this all the time and you could think, "What's the big deal, my life is that crazy." Well I'd like a different response, I'd like you to think about how hard those weeks are and pray for us.

Pray mostly for Reed that he would persevere and dedicate his work unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24) and then pray for me as I try on the "strong, encourager and supporter" hat...it's my job from now on, but I know I'm going to stumble around a bit as I practice my role as the helper for Reed.

Today is only the first day and its already been intense. I am now officially our moving committee. By myself. Reed isn't allowed (by me) to think about the moving of all of my stuff into his house this weekend. He isn't allowed to think about any logistics for this weekend's move or for our move in July. His priority is school and trying to not build a heart of fear and anxiety towards his responsibilities with school.

He's done an AMAZING job so far. He's even gotten to see one of the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.....You ready?

I took a drink of Diet Dr. Pepper and like half a drop went down the wrong tube while the rest went down the right tube. It's not that abnormal right? Well naturally my body is coughing to try and get the small half drop out of the wrong tub when, UUUUURP, I spit out the rest of the gulp from the right tube.

Yes....I spit up Diet Dr. Pepper, very similar to how an infant would, on my bed, while Reed was watching me cough.

So poor Reed took a break from studying (which he did about 7ish hours of tonight) and brought me a towel so that it didn't get all over my bed.

He then called me cute about 15 minutes later. I'm sorry but I couldn't help thinking, "ummmmmm, please tell me you remember me just SPITTING UP ON MYSELF".

Oh thank goodness Jesus has a sense of humor...It's those little weird things that get us through these rough weeks.

Last Week of School...EVER

This is a crazy feeling. I don't know that I feel like I am going to miss school so much...but I do think it will be an adjustment.

I've been in school for 18 years of my life. All I have ever known is the seasonality of a school year.

My mom told me the hardest thing will be getting used to always working and not having a three month break for summer or a month long break for Christmas.

I think she is right on the money. I feel like I survive and countdown until the next "break". I won't be able to do that anymore. I won't have the break to look forward to. It will be life from here on out...and there won't be a month long break.

I feel ready though.

Not like I'm going to not have to adjust, but I feel like this time in my life is definitely meant to be drawing to a close. I feel like it is the natural movement of my life.

You know what I'm really excited about? I'm really excited about getting married, about starting life with Reed, about getting to come home to him every night, about being able to finally be one in marriage.

I'm can't wait for it.

Every day I look at him, how nerdy he is, how sensitive to me he is, how spectacular he is, how he loves the Lord, how encouraging he is and how laid back he is.

God made him for me. He had a sovereign plan and from the womb, Reed was molded for me and I for him.

Doesn't mean its going to be perfect or that either of us are always going to act the way we should.

But I look at our two dispositions and just am in awe...I could never have imagined someone as amazing as him to be my husband. I just lack the capacity to dream that up.

So all in all, even though life is changing...I really couldn't be happier!

Beautiful Brokenness

I need to just update everyone on life right now.

This past week has been such a crazy roller coaster for me.

It all started with getting a call on Monday that our apartment had been sublet. This is WONDERFUL news but I'm not going to lie, I was kind of freaking out. At first I resigned to just living with Reed's roommate Zach, but after a couple of good friends expressing their concern around whether or not that would be a wise or good thing for Reed and I's marriage, we decided that we should search for other places to live and have living with Zach a last resort. Not that Zach isn't great, just that living with anyone would be a last resort.

So that began the week of worry. I will be straight up and honest...I did not do this week well at all. I am completely humbled looking back at how I completely let this wreck my life. I have never felt so overwhelmed by something in my life...not ever. I didn't know how I was going to:
1. take the CPA exam in a little over a week when I was so behind
2. find a place for us to live
3. find somewhere for my stuff to go since we had to be out of the apartment by May 20th (also known as the date of my 4th and final CPA exam...which I signed up for in San Antonio)
4. how i was going to get the mountains of school stuff done in the next couple of weeks while simultaneously figuring out all of the above questions.

I know it sounds dramatic but it seriously just hit me like a bombshell and I really did feel hopeless and helpless. Again...I did not handle or do this last week well at all. I'm not really sure what to do with this feeling of "wow I really messed up", other than knowing that I can live in grace and not be confined or enslaved by that sin anymore.

Finally, after we resigned to live in the Valley (down near South Padre where my parent's have a house), we started to get some calls about places to live.

The first is from a lady who is exchanging a small one bedroom apartment above their workshop (which is separate from the house) for 20 hours a week of watching her kids. NO rent, utilities or internet, just needs someone to watch her kids. We are going to meet her on Wednesday and check out the place and meet the kids.

The second option is my friend Jennifer offered her room since she will be living with her husband over the summer in Houston.

Two doors...opened...after we submitted and trusted instead of remaining in a state of panic and bitterness because our plans changed.

I will be honest here....I still haven't learned much from this week. But I know I will, I feel God moving, I just don't know if I've "gotten the picture" yet. But I think I will choose to be faithful instead of worrying and trying to take control.

Oh and one other thing...I had my lingerie shower this weekend and it was SO much fun. But towards the end of the shower I started to feel achy and funny. Once we got in the car my lymph nodes in my groin and neck started throbbing. My whole body just felt feverish and gross.

So yes, I am sick...again.

And again, I'm not sure what this means. I'm not sure spiritually what to even think about my ability to get sick so easily.

But I'm just going to study as much as I can and rest as much as I can and hope that my swollen throat gets better so that I can start feeling better.

God is good. God is powerful and sovereign. God is the only almighty.

I think I lost sight of these truth's this last week. And I'm hoping that I keep getting refined through learning where I messed up this last week and especially through my sickness. It stinks being sick a lot. I can't imagine what only getting sick once a year feels like. But I'm going to choose to believe that God will use my chronic mono, because He is more than a conqueror.

Extravagance

I was thinking this Easter weekend about how God loves us so extravagantly. There is so much unrestrained love shown on the cross.

One thing that I've been thinking is how it seems that we celebrate Christmas in a big way, without equally ringing in the importance of Christ's death and resurrection.

I'm not saying Christmas isn't amazing and shouldn't be celebrated, but if we miss the importance of the cross and only celebrate Christ's birth, we're missing it. He was born for this one purpose, to drink the cup that the Father set before Him...this cup that meant bearing our sins, it meant dying a painful death for them and it meant separation from the Father.

Our faith in it's entirety rests on what Jesus did on the cross. Without it, there would be no hope or redemption for us. I have hope because my sins are paid for by Christ. I needed a savior...and Jesus willingly became just that. For me. For you. For all.

It just seems so extravagant.

We get to live an abundant life and we are allowed eternity with God. How can I describe or measure that gift?

I don't even have any more words to say about this. It's just been something my heart has been thinking about the last couple days. It seriously gives me shivers every time I think about God's extravagant love for us.

kittens

I really really really really want a cat. I mean look at these guys! I could cuddle with them all day long!

A lot of people don't like cats, but I just absolutely love them. I still also love dogs, but I just don't see the need to like just one or the other. Why can't I be a cat AND a dog person?

Anyways, at this point in life, a cat seems like a more manageable pet. Especially since Reed and I don't have any space for a dog.

The biggest thing people tell me is, ugh, cats are so mean! I don't know, I guess that's a chance I'm willing to take. I've met lots of amazingly sweet and sociable cats, so I'm praying that when we adopt a kitten, that it will just naturally have the coolest personality ever, kind of like Wojtek, Rachel's cat.

I have to wait until Christmas though...because Reed and I both agreed we would like to have some time for just us before we decide to have a new living creature with us. Especially since we want a kitten...it's a little too much to get used to 1) having a husband (exciting!) 2) living with a guy (I'm sure there will be some adjustments) and 3) having a husband! ( I know I repeated, but that one is a big one!). I think throwing a brand new kitten into the mix might not be the wisest thing.

But I can't wait until Christmas! I need to start thinking up names though...just so I can be ready with some on hand....

Any suggestions?

I'm so excited!

A description of a worthy woman

Proverbs 31:11-31 ---- I'm getting married in exactly 2 months! :) :) :)

Description of a Worthy Woman

¹⁰An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
¹²She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
¹³She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
¹⁴She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
¹⁵She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
¹⁸She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
²⁰She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
²¹She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
²²She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
²⁵Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
²⁶She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
²⁹"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
³⁰Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
³¹Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

WOW...I haven't posted in a while....

A lot has gone on the past week. God has been so good to reveal Himself to me in studying, in my lack of studying and everywhere in between. I took the REG section of the CPA exam on Wednesday and felt really at peace about it. Not at peace in the sense that I know I passed, I just was at peace with God's sovereignty. It's amazing how reflecting on the creator helps to put things into perspective. The exam is not all there is to life. It was neat to more than just say that but experience it.

Honestly, the days leading up to the test were amazing. I was joyful and giddy and had some AMAZING time in the Word. There were moments when I was tempted to get defeated and there were moments when I gave into the temptation of distraction. I didn't do last week perfectly, but I felt free in God's grace. I didn't feel guilt or condemnation. I felt hope. I'm not saying I didn't have to look at the points of selfishness and address them seriously, but I didn't beat myself up about them. I don't know if that makes sense but it seems like there is a real difference there. Maybe conviction doesn't have to look like beating myself up?

After the test I just got to spend a good couple of days relaxing and being slow. I picked up Harry Potter again (I know, I know, I'm being judged right now...I still love Jesus) and it was good to have just fun reading. Not studying, not deep, just "fluff". I have to be careful that "fluff" isn't all I read, but it was nice to have a break. I also have been working my way through the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. I've watched bits and pieces for the last couple of days. I seriously forgot how good that movie is. I LOVEEEEE it. I could ramble on about why, but there isn't any need to bore everyone.

The one thing that I am struggling with this week since my test is sleep. Most people know that I have chronic mono. To a lot of people that is a, "So what?" kind of thing. People think that I should be able to run or workout, because I am not visibly sick like most people with mono. But really, doing those things exhausts me a lot more than normal people. To the point where I'm somewhat used to getting sick after working out for a couple of weeks. If I do workout, I have to ensure that I have a good 9 hours of sleep to make sure my body doesn't start into "mono mode" again.

It's hard though...I know how my body is, I know that it is just how life is. But I wish for more. I wish I could wake up early. I wish I didn't need to go to bed at 10 to wake up early. That is why I put the Proverbs 31 scripture above. There has been a verse that is just hitting me deep at my core:

¹⁵She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.

I know that I sound crazy, but as much as one side of me desires to sleep in and rest all the time because it makes me physically feel better and I just like sleeping, there is one side of me that truly desires to be able to wake up before my household and serve them. I guess I have this romanticized picture in my head. I'm sure that this verse doesn't mean it was easy for her to rise. But she rose. She got out of bed. I cannot tell you how much of a struggle it is to fight with my body to rise in the mornings. Some morning its great, but if I haven't slept for at least 8 hours, sometimes I just feel like it is physically so hard. It's like past my own self-will hard. I truly want to believe that I can be this woman. I just don't know how to. I know that I have to bring it to the Lord but I will be honest and confess something to you guys here...

Sometimes I am like Sarah and Abraham (the whole, "we're too old to have a kid" bit) and I have doubts about whether God can reverse something that I have been diagnosed with. In the end Abraham believed and it was reckoned to him as righteousness. For the longest time I never new what this meant out of Genesis 15:6, but recently I've been studying it and seeing that it means that because Abraham believed, he was made righteous. It is the example for the ages...faith brings us into righteousness, not our works.

But I have to have faith...and I must confess, I doubt that I can wake up, which means that I doubt God's sovereignty. And as trivial as waking up in the mornings might seem for some people, it is a spiritual struggle for me because it exposes some deep rooted disbelief that I carry.

I know that this is something that I can only turn to the Lord for a deal with it with Him. I must continually put on the new self, full of faith and trust in God. Really this all starts with bearing all of this to the Lord....

I want to be a godly wife for Reed and right now God is totally working on this seemingly small but big part of my life. I just pray for transformation and that I be continual made into the wife I need to be for Reed. Reed is amazing...I love him so much and I truly want the Lord to be the center of our life together...I want us to reflect Christ in our marriage. Pray for our last two months of preparation, that we be continual transformed and prepared for life together.

I'm hardcore!

Sooooooooooooooo I got a little behind in studying.

And then all the sudden my test is in 6 days.

That equals me studying for 8 hours Monday, 8.5 hours yesterday and an estimated 8.5 hours today. Oh yeah and the same for the next couple days (minus Sunday, that will only be like 4 or 5 hours) until my test on Wednesday.

What is amazing, is I have not gotten burnt out.

I have to study this much though, because I haven't finished all the lectures (me writing this blog is a little break :) ). The lectures are typically 3 1/2 to 4ish hours. Then I have to reread the notes, so that I can actually know the material. Then I work the problems, which typically takes me 2 hours. I'm like halfway done with a lecture right now. So today is doing the work for that lecture and tomorrow I can finish the last lecture. Then I can have Saturday, Sunday (not for very much time, like I said above, I need a break sometime, plus Jesus time is non-negotiable). Then I still have Monday and Tuesday to review.

This is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY the Lord. I don't regret getting behind last week. I got some good time with family and got to be with Reed and his family when they needed me.

But it is just such a blessing to have strength the past couple of days. God is SO good! Like I have had energy to have quiet times (more consistent than when I have tons of time...funny isn't it) and I have been able to pull of working 4 hours and then still coming home and studying a full 8 to 8.5.

I pinned up Colossians 3:23-24 over my desk (where I have been doing most of my studying) and it has been so encouraging every time I want to give up. It says:

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

All I can keep saying, is this is totally God's grace. I've never been so encouraged and spurred on my reading a verse above my computer amidst studying. Usually studying makes me stress, cause I realize I'm so behind. But having God's Word above my study area has been a blessing.

Spring Break Update

Okay so I thought I was going to take pictures this spring break, but ended up not. I'm sorry. I promise I'll try and take pictures sometime so you guys can remember what my face looks like.

The biggest reason why I didn't take any pictures is because this break was ridiculously busy. It started with us getting into town late Saturday, then waking up the next morning to go to church, then running around after church trying to find some stuff for my first bridal shower and then racing to the bridal shower.

The shower was just EXHAUSTING. In the best way ever, but it tires me to have to be social and smiling for that long. I loved it though. It was so neat to have so many woman around me that loved me and were supporting me. All in all, I feel incredibly blessed.

The next couple of days were a whirlwind of dress fittings, shoe shopping, dress shopping, floral shopping and meeting with our event center. Reed's mom and sister were also in town, which meant that we spent a day in Fredricksburg too. By Wednesday, I was SO exhausted! But we managed to go shopping AGAIN that day to try and find a dress for my mom. It was good, but by the time we got back, I was pooped.

Thursday was an interesting day. It started with studying and then meeting my friend Meredith Harrell for a little lunch break (which was amazing and so needed). When I got back, I hung out with Reed and watched him beat the original Zelda game on our wii. We eventually had dinner and then Kristen (my sister) and I played mario party 8 on the wii. At the very end of our game Reed got a call from his dad that his grandparents (his dad's parents) had both died earlier that day in a car accident somewhere between Denver and Casper, WY (that is where they live). His dad had just found out and was calling him to let him know.

Reed was just shocked. For a while he just needed to sit and cry. Eventually, we started talking and decided we needed to go to Dallas to be with his family. We had heard that his grandparents didn't want a service, but Reed's dad was having a hard time so we knew that we needed to just be with them this weekend.

So the next day we ended up going to Dallas and the car ride was good. We just got a chance to talk and it really helped Reed settle down and feel a little better. We laughed and listened to music until I got a text from Jennifer telling me that CPA exam scores were up. I immediately went into nervous mode as Reed and I searched for free wi-fi. We finally found a Subway and I checked my grades and I PASSED! It was really exciting and Reed was really excited for me :)

After that, we kept on to Dallas and spent the weekend with his parents and sister. Reed helped to write the obituary and spent some good time with his dad. One evening we played diceology and his dad had such a great time. It was so good to see him smile :)

Things are still hard for their family, especially Reed's dad. I think he is just going to be sad about it for a while. The whole family is headed up to Wyoming this weekend for the reception, so please keep Reed, his dad and the rest of his family in your prayers.

God is good. And His timing is good. Pray that that truth would be a comfort to Reed's family.

I just don't know what to do with myself

Remember My Best Friend's Wedding, when Cameron Diaz sings that AWFUL song at the karaoke bar? Well that's what my title just made me think of :)

But I really don't know what to do with myself recently. I am still not feeling 100% and I don't think its that I'm so sick, it's just that I am so tired. My mom keeps telling me that its just how things are when you have chronic mono, and I'm sure that's true...but what do you do with yourself when moving around makes your lymph nodes swell up and makes you feel like its 4 AM all the time.

Well yesterday I just stayed in bed all day. Part of the day, I listened to Harry Potter playing on my laptop and just napped. When I finally woke up from my nap, I did some email checking and watched The Office.

After that, I took a shower and went to our friend's house to play the wii. You would think after a day of "saving up" my energy I would be able to go play the wii and have a little bit of energy.

Kid you not, I was tired at 9:30. We got there at like 7:30. LAME.

It's okay though, because today is just going to be catching up on CPA exam stuff. The good thing about that is I can do it all in my bed. Praise God for laptops, because I can be "resting" and also getting some catch-up stuff done as well.

Oh and one more thing...my favorite team, Liverpool, just beat Manchester United 4-1. That is like a dominating win. Not just "oh they won"...it's like "oh they just EMBARRASSED them!" haha! Here is a picture of Reed and I's favorite players! Torres (my favorite) is on the left and Gerrard (Reed's favorite) is on the right!

Have you filed your taxes?

I JUST DID!

As lame as it is...filing my taxes was my break from studying and working taxation problems.

I don't know if anyone out there knows this, but if you are low income (like below $33,000) you can use turbo tax online for free.

I've never used turbo tax but it is SO great! I love it! I love not having to worry about all the little tax rules! And I'm getting a lot back because I've been paying for my own school!

:)

Exciting!

Random fact: I've decided that I need to use my camera more. My freshman and sophomore year I used that sucker all the time. So be ready for a Spring Break Photo Update!

And other updates: I'm feeling so much better from being so sick on Sunday and Monday. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my doctor knows I have chronic mono, therefore he knows the meds that will "aggressively" kick whatever it is that I have. Apparently I had a bacterial infection in my throat. Apparently I don't even have to know anyone who has had this illness in order to catch it. I love my immune system!

The only weird thing about these meds is that they almost make me feel too energized. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and DEFINITELY regretted it this morning. Suprisingly, though, I haven't had any caffeine this morning. I mean I'm about to have a Diet Dr. Pepper, but making it to 10:30 without caffeine is saying something for me!

Okay well I'm off to work on my notecards then get some grub from Mays Fest. $ .50 Double Dave's pizza rolls and $1.00 Jamba Juice! You better believe that's where I'm getting my lunch from today! You can't beat those prices...You could get a decent lunch for $3!!

Yummmm :)

Taxes are Crazy!

They seriously are...I think I have an especially hard time studying them because they make no sense. The numbers are completely arbitrary it seems like.

This week's been weird because firstly, I HATE TAXES. I will never do them for anyone, unless they hand over turbo-tax...then I MIGHT. Secondly, I got this crazy phantom sickness Sunday. I have been really tired all week, but not much more than tired. Well I got this sudden feeling of tiredness so I took a nap and woke up feeling awful.

My throat was swollen, my ears were plugged, my whole head felt like it hated me with a passion and my body sort of ached.

It was like instant. Before the nap, I'm fine, after I wake up and feel like a zombie.

Poor bible study girls...I was so tired and so deathly looking. haha.

Anyways, Dr. Bacak is great and got me on some meds that have definitely calmed things down a TON...but now I'm in the stage where I'm still a little tired, but I know that I have enough energy to get some school work done. It just takes me an extra boost of energy to get motivated to memorize tax laws.

Sick out.

But here I go...Off to study! Pray for me, I hate getting sick, so I'm hoping this one is short.

¹Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

²fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Running

So I have been having a really rough week. Emotionally I have just been really down and pretty much spent. I have also been so exhausted. I sleep at least 9 hours a night and sometimes during the day, if I don't drink caffeine often enough, I feel like I can't survive unless I sleep.

All in all, its just been a crazy week. I've found myself crying a lot. I've found myself sleeping a lot. I've found myself going and going a lot.

The one thing I haven't found, is myself in the Word.

I think because the week has been so hard on me, that I've just put off my time with God because I either felt like I wanted to just survive or I felt incredibly tired.

Yesterday, I realized that I had a major issue with how I approached the rough times in my life. I have had a lot of personal things going on in my head. I've messed up and been hurt. But the biggest mistake I made was not turning to Jesus.

There were times intermittently that I would talk to God and come to Him with my hurts, but all in all, I didn't put God has my highest priority. I can know this for sure because despite my busy week, I still made time to work out three times. Spending time in the Word got no time.

Last night I started feeling better, I started feeling like I wasn't just trying to keep my head above water throughout this week and with that feeling, came conviction. How did my actions over the past week reflect Christ as my Savior? I mean I needed help and encouragement this week. A lot of it. Why did I not go to the one that I profess to love the most. It's like I just gave up. In fact, I know I gave up. I was so exhausted from keeping afloat.

As I was laying in bed last night I began to reflect on a bible study (that I haven't done in forever) that I am currently doing on Abraham. I'm only in the beginning parts of it, but one of the key things that is show in Genesis 12-15 is that God rewards obedience to Him. Not rewards like every time you do something great, He will give you something great. But it pleases Him when we are obedient and therefore He rewards us, whether we see the reward now or later.

This led me to really sit and think with God....What is it, specifically, that I need to obey?

The Lord led me clearly to a couple of things:
-I need to fight for my time with Him and with His Word. That means everyday, fight for it.
-I need to extend grace, whether I am given it all the time or not. I need to unconditionally extend grace.
-I need to let go of my pride. There are too many times when I don't extend love or affection because I am too proud to be soft. Or I get angry and bitter when I don't make the best grade, because deep down my pride in my grades is hurt. I need to let go of the pride.

I went to bed last night thinking....neat, cool....now what? I want to change my heart about these things, but how do you do it. Do I just say "heart...CHANGE NOW!" So I fell asleep wondering, how in the world could I help to get my heart right. I decided that I would wake up this morning, run (hopefully waking me up enough to get through quiet time without falling asleep) and then I would dig through these things with the Lord.

Well I didn't even realize that the Lord had plans for my run. He wanted to teach me half of the lesson by running. I still am going to dig in the Word with Him right now, but I wanted to write down what I had learned on my run before I forgot.

I realized that my biggest problem is perseverance. I don't FIX my eyes upon Jesus...upon the Cross...Upon the shame He carried WILLINGLY.

the definition for fix is to settle definitely; determine. A definite settling. My biggest problem is when times get hard, when I hurt, my eyes become unfixed. They are not fixed on Jesus anymore.

This morning, running, Hebrews 12:1-3 became so real to me:

¹Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

²fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I think it is so neat that our christian life is compared to a running a race. Having just run myself, I know that there are points in the run where the wind is beating down on me and I am running probably as fast as I could walk. There are also times when obstacles are in the way...brush, cars, people. All of these times take endurance, to keep pushing.

There is a race set before us. A race hurts sometimes (like when your chest and legs are burning) but we are called to endure because Jesus died on the cross so that we would "not grow weary and lose heart". I grew weary and definitely lost heart this past week. Because it was such a rough week, I decided to start walking and feeling sorry for myself. Not because I deserved it, but because it was easier. It is so much easier to just finish a run by walking. But to endure and finish well, that is where true determination and endurance lies. Choosing to press on, despite hurt.

God has revealed so much to me this morning through this run. I think He has given me a glimpse at how to work on all of those things that I need to be obedient on...I need to endure and persevere and LOOK TO WHAT JESUS DID ON THE CROSS.

There is a race set before you and me...I have to face it. Whether we run or not, it's there. It's not a choice, this is what accepting Christ looks like. It will be us striving to run the race well because it was "set before us". I pray we run it with great endurance. Hopefully when we have weeks like I just had, we run, we persevere instead of walking. I pray that we grab hold of grace and let it be our strength. We could never run this race on our own. We will always grow weary and lose heart if we are on our own. But fixing our eyes upon Jesus andgrabbing hold of the grace He offers us daily, we will not only be refined but we will never grow weary or lose heart.

For me that is such a comforting thing after a week where I truly did grow so incredibly weary and I know that I allowed myself to lose heart.

I'm not so good at memory verses but I think that this is going to be mine for this next week or so. I want this to be my constant encouragement and challenge as I walk through my day.

One final thought to spur us all on. There are two definitions of perseverance on dictionary.com:

1. Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

I'm praying for perseverance for us all. Until the end, let us persevere together in this race that has been set before us.

Less than 100 days!

Days to Wedding: 96!

I'm not much of a countdown girl...and if it wasn't for the fact that Reed's mom has the recordable toilet paper rolls (you know, the ones where you pull the roll and it says something to you) I would never have known it was under 100.

This is what I heard the first time I had to go to the restroom this weekend....

"Welcome back! In 99 days you can wear that wedding band for real!"

Hahaha! She's so funny.

It is crazy though to think about it all. Crazy exciting.

In other news, I have a SUPER busy week. Apparently I relaxed TOO much this weekend. I have a test tomorrow, a paper due Thursday and an assignment due on Friday. All the while I have to be keeping up with my CPA stuff...ugh.

Also, could you guys pray for the families of the student who was killed and students who were injured in a car/pedestrian accident this weekend. The girl who died was in PPA...I was in class with her. The other girl in the hospital is in PPA too.

The whole thing has been on my mind the past 12 hours. It's just so sad, they were just in a parking garage, in line paying for their parking and an out of control truck ran through the line of people. They were honestly probably having a night off after their last exam...celebrating the fact that they had two done. I didn't know this girl well, but she apparently was just a great girl. Involved in christian business leaders and in PPA. She probably had been working so hard studying for her exams, making sacrifices because in the end it would help her career. Those are all good things and the rest of us all need to continue do press on. It's just sad when a life gets ended like that. It makes you realize how our time on earth is fleeting.

It really just gives you a whole different perspective on life.

Here is the link to the story: http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/40500312.html

Exercise!!!

Guess what! I have started to exercise again!

It has been A LONG time since I have exercised. My two main reasons for not working out have been battling with feeling to busy with studying and feeling scared that if I work out, I'll get mono again. Being the anomaly who gets mono THREE times when your supposed to get it once and then never have to deal with it again, I am a little hesitant to exert myself physically. At least not too much, too quickly.

My first day of working out started with a 45 minute walk. I actually wasn't really keeping track of time and I'm not really sure I know how far I went. I do know that I tried to do the proper technique of power walking, ie the heel to toe walk and a much faster pace then my normal walk. It felt SO good to walk and enjoy the weather.

Throughout the walk I listened to my favorite Caedmon's Call CD and decided that I was going to sing out loud, because who cares what the people in the cars think of me. I like to sing...so what?!?!

Anyways, by the end of the walk, the power walking was really starting to work my upper thighs and my calves. If you do the right technique, power walking is a pretty good workout.

Then I got home and discovered my new workout buddy...the Wii Fit!

It is so cool! You play little games to do aerobics and strength training and balance training workouts. By the time you've done 30 minutes, you don't even realized that you've worked out your abs and your legs!

My favorite was the hula hoop game! That is the one I have pictured above. Basically because your standing on the wii fit board, it can tell how you are shifting your weight and therefore it will "hula" on the screen. While your doing it, its amazing how much your abs and your back get worked out by doing the circular hip motion. It's way cool.

They also have strength training stuff, so you can do ab exercises, arm exercises, and leg exercises.

By the end of the whole work out, the walk and the wii fit, I felt SO GOOD! I mean I was a little sore, but not overly sore. It was a perfect balance of feeling like my body had gotten some work in, but at the same time not overexerting myself.

I think that this might be my new workout plan, walk (eventually getting to a jog, then run) and do wii fit!

I'm pretty gosh darn excited :) :) :)

Rest

This week has been such a hard but good week.

I have learned SO much from the exam I took on Tuesday.

It was ridiculously hard. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't expecting them to ask random obscure questions. It made me feel a little better to know not everyone had the same test, so I had comfort in the fact that I had a hard test.

Then I started thinking of how unfair it would be if I didn't pass and other people did because they got the easy test. If I had there test, I probably would have passed too.

In small ways here and there, bitterness started to creep in my heart. I completely bought into the lie that it was not fair. I deserved better. I worked hard.

I talked with my mentor about it and she hit me dead on with a really hard hitting question...Do I really believe God is sovereign? What is the underlying fear keeping you from believing that?

I thought I had done pretty well thinking God was sovereign but ever since she asked me that question, I started to evaluate my heart on it all.

It was obvious I did not believe at all that God was sovereign. First, by my bitterness and complaints I saw that I truly believed people were in control and they were being unfair.

I guess it hit me hard when I realized that these had just been words for me. God being "sovereign" throughout this process was not being reflected in my thoughts and actions.

Praise God for exposing this sin. I think had my test gone well, I would not have had a clue that I didn't really believe in God's sovereignty because when I professed it before, I really thought I believed it. I needed this bad experience to show me that there were some big areas of darkness in my heart.

I'm still coming to terms with it and wrestling with God about where to go from here. I'm not really sure to be quite honest. But I can say that I am for sure God had everything to do with my test on Tuesday. And His plan had nothing to do with me passing or failing or anything like that. I think that the CPA exam this first time around was not about me getting accounting, but about me trusting God. It was about me learning that I didn't really understand what resting in belief was.

That I am sure of. God intended to teach me a lot. A LOT. I'm still digging through it to be honest. I'm still trying to learn how to love the Lord fully, to find my rest in Him by truly TRULY believing in His will over everything....I'm still trying to see myself, mistakes and all, as truly and completely beloved. I'm still trying to just enjoy being still with God, because He simply is God. And that is never a waste of time.

There are so many things the Lord Jesus is doing right now. Hopefully I can have a little more clarity in what it is later on.

For now, all I can say is the CPA exam was awful, but it revealed my messy heart...without it being awful, I would never have realized my lack of faith and my hypocrisy in professing that God is sovereign. It had to be more than words for me...I had to experience it, to "get" it.

I'm thankful that God is so good and faithful...I'm glad He perseveres and has patience in teaching me. I still don't even "get" it. But at least I see that there is something I need to "get".

sitting at work

Thanks for the prayer everyone! I'm not sure I'm completely ready to tell the exam story. I feel like I've told it at least 5 times yesterday and once today.

Honestly, I'm mostly not ready because it was bad...like really bad. There is definitely more to that story. But for now, I'm wanting to choose peace and I'm just not ready to let it all out yet.

BUT! Guess what!

I get to have a date night tonight! My mom sent me some money for a "post-exam celebration" dinner and Reed and I are going to go to Pei Wei and then we are going to go to Barnes and Nobles to get ideas for our ceremony and vows.

I am SO excited! We are meeting with Toney, the pastor who is doing our wedding, tomorrow, so tonight is the night where we sit nerdily in Barnes and Noble isles looking at ideas for how our ceremony will go.

I cannot tell you how much my heart melts when I think of marrying Reed. Everyday I just want to tell someone how excited and ready I am to marry him. I know people probably expect that, but he is amazing....

He is the one who:
-makes me come to his work so that he can sit in the car with me while I cry about my exam.
-buys me groceries so I can have extra time to study
-desires for our marriage to be about Christ, even if that means we have to do things out of our comfort zone
-takes his poetry class seriously and could talk to me for hours about how to put a poem together correctly
-plays wii with me and lets me talk trash, even though he beats me every time
-tells me how proud he is of all the work I've put into the CPA exam, because he knows how important it is for us
-constantly builds me up and encourages me
-doesn't mind that I'm goofy and a tad bit nerdy
-would pick me over soccer any day
-texts me every morning with "Good morning beautiful :) How did you sleep?"
-doesn't think I should be ashamed of being sensitive
-has grace with me when I repeatedly don't deserve it

I just, plain and simply, love him.

Tomorrow is the Day.

Tomorrow is the day that I will take the first section of the CPA exam.

I'm excited, but I'm also a little nervous.

Right now, I feel relaxed and I feel pretty okay, but I keep hearing these lies that I'm not studying hard enough, or I haven't worked hard enough, or that I'm going to have a panic attack as soon I sit down for the test and nothing I try to do will help. Lies.

So I have some prayer requests:

1. That I not choose to be anxious, but that I completely walk in faith during the test. Right now I'm okay, but satan is attacking and there is still 27 hours until my test.

2. That I slow down when taking my test. I took a practice exam yesterday, which was EXACTLY like the real exam, right down to the way the buttons work and how the timer works (also, it was a full four hour exam, just like the real one). I got done an hour an half before the 4 hours was up. I barely passed with a 75, which is really good, but I need to slow down, because some of the questions I missed were because I read over it too fast and had I slowed down, I probably would have gotten it correct.

3. I need to live in faith that God is truly sovereign and that whatever happens is the best for me. Passing may not be the best....maybe it is. Whatever happens though, is what God intended. Easy to say, hard to accept and fully believe and trust in your heart with.

I think that is really all I have. Jesus is the only way I can get through this without going crazy and losing myself in the CPA exam...prayer has had such a huge impact. My mom has been telling me how she's been praying for me this week and looking back I see how balanced and good my studying has been throughout the week...God is so good and faithful. So thanks for your prayer :) It means more to me than you know.

Disney Love Song Collection

Okay, so I was just thinking that my last post was a tad-serious. I mean I'm pretty passionate about love and the way we view guys (MOSTLY because I've struggled with that a lot in the past)

But I wanted to do a little survey that is a little more light-hearted :)

I just got a CD in the mail from Reed's mom called "The Essential Disney Love Song Collection"

I thought it would be fun to see what everyone's favorite Disney love songs are. So here are the choices:

1. When You Wish Upon a Star - Inspired by Pinocchio
2. Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Lion King
3. True Love's Kiss - Enchanted
4. Bella Notte - Lady and the Tramp
5. Kiss the Girl - The Little Mermaid
6. So This is Love - Cinderella
7. Once Upon a Dream - Sleeping Beauty
8. A Whole New World - Aladdin
9. Something There - Beauty and the Beast
10. One Dance - Little Mermaid
11. Baby Mine - Dumbo
12. I Won't Say (I'm in Love) - Hercules
13. If I Never Knew You - Pocahontas
14. You'll Be in My Heart - Tarzan
15. I Wonder - Sleeping Beauty
16. My Gift Is You - Disney Holiday Song (I've never heard of this one)
17. Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast
18. Stay Awake - Mary Poppins

I think I'm torn between "A Whole New World" and "Beauty and the Beast".

What's your favorite Disney love song?

Well, if Jane does die, it will be a comfort to know she was in pursuit of Mr. Bingley.

I wanted to have some cute quote from Pride and Prejudice in my title but I ran across this one and I thought it was befitting.

How many times do we "die", spiritually, in the pursuit of our own Mr. Bingley.

I know that I am not exactly single, in fact I'm quite near the opposite.

But I remember the days when I would crush on any and every guy, feeling as if my life would never quite be complete without a man. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. It's amazing how sometimes we can let our parents, our culture and our own bleeding hearts convince us that it is okay to "die" in the pursuit of a man.

We lose our satisfaction in Christ. We lose our trust in His sovereignty. We take control and determine our own destiny. Because "naturally", we humans, who are as the dust of the earth, we must know how life should play out.

I guess I just wanted to write this as an encouragement to all ladies. Single and those in relationships.

It is not as if I still don't struggle with lofting unrealistic expectations on Reed. I realize how much I truly expect the perfectly cute, Mr. Bingley out of him. How I still pursue my completeness in Him. It is folly and ridiculous pursuit and I am still working on just loving him and not expecting Him to be my savior.

I'm not saying Reed isn't wonderful, but I'm just saying that looking from the outside in, it seems so comical that we are so willing to damage ourselves for feeling "loved". That is not real love. Christ is real love.

Watching the movie pride and prejudice, no one can help but laugh inside when Mr. Bennett makes the comment that it is a comfort to know Jane might die in pursuit of Mr. Bingley. I'm not sure if Jane Austin meant it or not, but she has tapped into probably one of the biggest struggles woman have...this fear of not having someone love you in the end. Everyone around sees that it is making you sick, that you could die and they see how trivial a man is compared to the vitality of life....but still we pursue.

I don't know if much of this makes sense, but I know that there has got to be a healthier balance in life.

Are men wonderful? Yes! I love Reed so incredibly much.

But neither of us would know how to love each other fully if not for the all surpassing love of God.

We both have to continually shed this idea that we "complete" each other. Were we made for each other? Most definitely. But the piece that will complete us is a true, real, honest, deep, raw and meaningful relationship with Christ.

I have to be careful of the times that I put Reed in a position that makes him become my everything. He physically, emotionally and spiritually cannot be my everything. He is a human. I'm still learning this. I'm still trying to put into perspective and proper balance how relationships should be in our lives.

Just some thoughts on Valentine's.

Love is what makes the world go round. God is love.

Share the Well

SO I made a long post about India a couple of posts back....

I'm not sure that many people read the whole thing, BUT if you did, then I need to make a correction to my comments.

The CD is not entirely about India...although a LOT of it is, I realized that the song that triggered my interest about the CD is actually about an Ecuadorian family.

Ha. I guess after reading a couple of titles about Bombay and Dalits I thought it was all India. The song is still amazing though...like really good.

The REALLY COOL thing about me realizing my mistake is that I found out by reading an article talking about Caedmon's Call's travels that lead to this CD.

Amazing. After reading the background to why they wrote all these songs, I can hear their heartache in the music. Sometimes they are frustrated with themselves for not seeing God's hand moving in these places, sometimes they are frustrated with the situation of the poor around the world and sometimes you can just really hear their hearts crying for change in the world. It is neat to see a band tackle and really get emotional about so many of the hurts in the world.

I think its amazing to learn/think/remember about what people around the world do on a day to day basis. It kind of makes all the clutter in my life seem silly.

Can you tell I'm enjoying this CD?

Study, Study, Study

No, I'm not avoiding you.

No, I'm not out of the country.

No, I'm not married yet.

....It's just this....

My CPA exam is next Tuesday and there is SO much stuff to know.

This "review" week is one where I kind of have to study by myself...at least I can't study with people who only need to get some non-urgent stuff done, because it is so easy for me to talk and forget about the exam and then freak out when I realize how much time I've given up. It's also really hard for me to keep myself accountable to studying and doing this as unto the LORD.

About the only people that I can study with are other people in their "review" week for the exam and Reed, just cause he has a TON of stuff he has to get done too (he's taking 9 hours on top of working 40 hours a week)...and he is really good at keeping me accountable to studying. So he tries to call me out if I'm getting distracted etc.

So all that to say...I'm sorry I haven't seen all your pretty faces recently....

BUT!

after next Tuesday...I'M FREE! At least for a week and a half! And I want to have a party, or just hang out with YOU! So, if anyone would like to join me in playing some wii/maybe watching some girlie movies next weekend (like the weekend of the 20th through the 22nd), please let me know ;). I'm open and available.

Oh and I like coffee too...so coffee dates any night after the 17th are welcome :)

p.s. Thanks to everyone who is just loving me through this busy time in my life...I'm sure its note easy, but thanks for sticking with me :)

I know, I know

I change my blog background every five seconds...

Ironically, the title of this background on the cutest little blog website is called "I'm torn."

It was meant to be I guess. This one might stay on here for a while, it's pretty cute :)

The Roses

God is so good. And so sovereign. I love how he awakens my heart in the most amazing ways.

Yesterday when I was studying, a song began playing on my Nickel Creek Pandora station...It was called The Roses by Caedmon's Call. After hearing it about 4 times over the past week, I was curious what album it was from. I clicked on the link and it took me to the album description (the album is called "Share the Well".

It is an album all about India.

My heart melted.

I don't know if many people know, except for Reed, but I have the biggest soft spot for India and Indian people.

It started with reading the book "Revolution in World Missions" by KP Yohannan. Amazing. Life Changing. This book gave me such a wake up call as far as where my perspective was on world missions. Missions had never impacted the depth of my heart so deeply.



God was moving my heart in such a big way, but the true "seal" that made me realize I had a heart for India was the amount of Indian people that were put into my life. I happen to be in a very technical field in the business school and besides the PPA students in all my classes, the other half is mostly international students. The majority are Indian students with some Chinese, Vietnamese and others mixed in.

At first, I will be so honest, I thought the Indian students were just going to think we were all so stupid because I had this idea that they were just machines that could do anything and everything perfect. I was so intimidated that I just hoped I could get by without them thinking I was an idiot.

Then I met Alok, Kabir, Nidhi, Vinodh, Loc, Bhargav and Kushal. These guys will never fully know how much they mean to me. I have learned so much from them...so much.

First, I learned that Indian people are....well, people. There are some really overachieving Indian people and there are some really slacker Indian people. I guess I realized that we had more similarities than differences than I thought. Just like I had pieces of overachiever and little pieces of slacker, so did they. They were human.

Second, I was humbled by how sincere and loving they are. Never ONCE did they ever forget my name. In fact, I started to have to take seriously the art of remembering people's names just because one introduction means they will forever remember my name. They are the most sincere and welcoming people I know. They always will stop and talk to me in the hallways and never once will they pretend like they don't see me in order to get where they are going quickly or avoid an awkward conversation. They care to know me.

Ever since then, I have been just realizing how much I love my Indian friends. Each semester I meet new friends and realize in a new way how wonderful these people are. I feel the LORD truly moving and showing me how beloved they are in His sight. None of them are Christians, in fact, most would claim to be Hindu, but don't really practice all that much. But they are beautiful people....I wish I could just give you a taste of how beautiful their hearts really are. Jesus has really opened up my heart to love and pray for them. They are so lost, but they are still so wonderful and they are children of God....

This semester I have been humbled and learning so much from the LORD. Jesus has shown me how much I truly desire control and how much I truly desire to be put together. He has revealed the sin in my heart that is afraid of losing friends I love if I'm not perfect to them all the time. He is showing me how I have bought into Satan's lie that people will not love me if I am anything but perfect to them all the time. I also have realized how much I try and perform perfectly for God. I didn't think I did it, but God has been so faithful in illuminating instances where I cannot come to terms with the fact that I will mess up. I can't just give myself, how I am, messiness and all, over to Jesus.

While Jesus has been holding me in His arms and tenderly comforting me as I have had sins exposed, I really have been trying to learn how to balance true communion with God and seeking to pour out. I think I am an "extremist" and choose either one side of the pendulum or the other. Either I am all about my relationship with Christ or I am all about serving. I have a hard time with balance.

God is so faithful, though. During this time of refinement, when I am learning how to TRULY understand that Jesus is PRESENT with me...He DESIRES me, He LOVES me, I don't have to hate myself in order to prove that I want to change, I just need to hand over my sin to Jesus and trust that He will refine me.

While I am learning all this, God is so AWESOME to remind me of my love for Indians. He is showing me how to balance being in relationship with Him and pouring out my love to others.

I totally wasn't expecting this CD we found to have anything to do with India. It was on a blue grass station. Blue grass and India? Yeah I wasn't expecting that.

But man the second I saw that, I bought the CD and it is just the most amazing songs about India. It even has native Indians performing their music on the CD.

It is beautiful. It makes me want to go to India. It makes me want to go hug Manopa (the girl that I sponsor through Gospel for Asia).

I just wanted to share how good, awesome, mighty, powerful, compassionate and INTENTIONAL my Mighty Father, Abba, has been.

He is the one who stirs our hearts. Nothing about this love for India is of me. He started it all and He is so faithful to continue it in my heart. I am so thankful for this reminder of my Indian friends.

It has woken my soul again.

Emergency Chiropractor Visit

Sorry Danielle...I know chiropractors freak you out...

So over the past week I've been having some back and neck pain. This happens a lot so I don't always think much of it. I just figure I'll try and get through the pain until I can get into the chiro the next time I go home.

This is what neck pain looks like...I'm sure if you were behind me you could see the red glow of my pain.





Well it progressively got worse and two nights ago I went to bed with my left side of my neck throbbing and occasionally shooting pain into my temple area. Oh yeah and the pain in my back was making my arm and shoulder feel a little numb. I decided to put ice on my neck, but the pain was so bad that I could feel it through the ice.

The next morning I woke up and it was making me dizzy because of how much it ached. About that point I realized I needed to get into a chiropractor. I tried calling this office I was referred to but they couldn't get me in until the 19th! WHAT!

Needless to say, I needed to see a chiropractor quick.

So I called my chiropractor in San Antonio, got an appointment for the next morning at 8 and I drove to Boerne after my class at 1:30.

Weirdest day ever...

I woke up like normal in College Station.

Drove to Boerne, met my mom for dinner.

Woke up this morning, went to the chiropractor (where I figured out it was a pinched nerve and he adjusted me and fixed me) and then drove back to College Station.

I returned today around 11:50. That's about two hours earlier than when I left to go out of town yesterday.

Weird.

But oh so worth it. I feel MUCH better now. :)

There is my random story for the week :)

This is Home

"This Is Home"

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known

This is home
Now I'm finally back to where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
This is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone


And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home


Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home


*You should all seriously go listen to this song...youtube it or something. It's amazing. For some reason it encourages me...like with its sound and some of its words, but mostly the beat...just lifts me up. I like it a lot :)

Nickel Creek

I forgot how much I loved Nickel Creek. I lost a lot of my music when my last computer crumped and yesterday my sister told me to create a pandora station with nickel creek.

GREAT suggestion. It is the best music around.

I have forgotten why they are one of my favorites.

Plus the station plays Allison Krauss & Union Station. And her voice is pretty amazing too.

I am frustrated, jealous, hurt, selfish and my soul feels at odds with everything right now. That is just how I woke up feeling this morning...and I needed to confess it.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:2-3

My Love

Yesterday Reed and I were hanging out and I told him that my mom had gone to meet with the event center coordinators at the place we're getting married and that it had gone really well.

His reply was "That's so good...I can't believe it's only four months away..."

I said, "Really, its that short? I thought it was five?"

We counted it and he was right...only four months away as of February 6th.

My favorite part is what he added right after we realized it was four months away....

"Yeah and February is a short month, so its even better."

Love him. SO much.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!

I just signed up for the CPA exam!

I am officially taking the first one on February 17! A little later than I was planning, but should give me TONS of time to study!

And I'm taking my second one April 22!!

Now I just need to schedule the third one at the beginning of April and I'm set!

I know this is lame that this excites me...BUT I'M SO EXCITED :) :) :) :)

A Jonah Moment

Last semester I got into this amazing mentoring relationship with a woman from church, Meredith. One of the things that I expressed to her was that at times I have this huge passion, but it gets stifled by the fact that sometimes I just don't know what to do with it. This manifests itself sometimes in feeling like I'm not getting much out of my time in the Word, or even in prayer. I guess I needed a little direction on how to be a disciple.

What was really cool about this relationship is that I could truly see God working in bringing us together. First off, Meredith has a heart for teaching and equipping people to take the Word and to discern what God meant for us to understand through it. Basically, she has a heart for people gathering their own meaning from the Word (different than twisting it for what you want) instead of relying on commentators to do the critical thinking for us. It is amazing how much God can reveal to us if we just simply approach the Word for ourselves. So she taught me how to do the inductive bible study method which I love learning. It was amazing the connections and meaning you see when you simply observe all of the details in the passage. The cool thing about the method is that you pray and seek to see what the LORD is speaking in this passage, not what you want it to say. I think that there is definitely meaning in the Word that is not up for interpretation...it just has ONE meaning, whether its to teach a lesson, or simply to reflect on God's character. You can learn and understand lots of different things from the one meaning, but in the end, there is only one thing God wanted us to hear. Some are a lot easier to discern than others, but in general, we can study the bible for ourselves instead of relying on all the commentaries and study bibles.

Okay wow, that was all just background to tell you the real story haha. So last semester Meredith and I studied Jonah and I learned this new bible study method. It was so cool and I learned so much from the story of Jonah. What was even better is that I did it on my own. What is really neat is that today I realized that the events of yesterday and today have totally tied into what I learned about in Jonah. I had a Jonah moment.

Fast forward to yesterday. God completely humbled me and ruined my plans about the CPA exam. That's right, I am no longer taking four parts of the CPA exam before graduation and marriage, I am only taking three. This was not me deciding it was too much, oh no, I HATE changing from the plan. For some reason I got it in my head that I HAD to get all of the sections passed before I got married because it would make my life miserable if I didn't.

Enter Almighty God. Well little did I know that I was about to get schooled on what it means to truly let go of control. Until yesterday I didn't even realize how big of an issue I have with control. I was going to CONTROL when I took the exam so I could CONTROL how happy life would be after the exam. I set up all of these different study times so that I could CONTROL how well I did on the exam.

I was doing little walking in faith. I was doing a lot of walking in Jessica-mode. I thought I knew how to do the best in the situation and I really did feel as if I was honoring the Lord by working my hardest. But I think when I look at the root of it, I wanted to control exactly when, where and how I studied for the exam.

Okay, so let me back up, why can I not take the exam? Well it turns out that it has taken the state board of accountancy a lot longer than expected to get my paperwork done, so I have not gotten signed up for the test that I am supposed to take in a week and a half. You probably are thinking, "Jessica that is SO much time"...well I thought so too, until everyone else said that every city surrounding College Station is basically full and there are no locations that have open spots to take the test. What's even worse is that at the end of February we are supposed to take the second section of the exam...but all of the spots are full then too. People are resorting to taking the exam only a couple of days after our class is done, leaving next to no time to review.

I personally was just overwhelmed...these were people who had already signed up...I hadn't even paid for my exam, which is the step BEFORE you actually sign up for the exam.

I came home and prayed about it and I just broke down to Jesus. I admitted how much I wanted to control this and how I had no idea what I was going to do. I confessed that I had taken off on my own path and was trying to make my way His way. It was in those moments that the Lord started to soften my heart to taking one part of the exam later. I started to realize that really, there is no reason not to. I have 11 weeks in the summer that Reed and I will be unemployed and just hanging out. I still had a hard time though breaking free from the "plan" that was set forth by our program...oh and almost instantly the enemy attacked with lies that I was being lazy and that choosing to take one less test means that I was a slacker.

I tell you what though, the more and more I reflected on this new plan, the more I realized that this was such a blessing...the Lord had literally chased me down and made me sit and think about what I was doing. I was going and going, studying and studying that I did not stop to think if there was any other way. This reminds me so much of how Jonah was, running away from the Lord.

But God was faithful. He captured him from his rebellion.

God was faithful with me and captured me from my sin of CONTROL.

The sad thing is, I have totally reflected Jonah's later actions as well with my thoughts and words today.

After God chases down Jonah and gives him a second chance to fulfill his call, he goes to Nineveh and does what the Lord commands.

BUT when the Lord has mercy on Nineveh Jonah becomes angry and basically goes out to the countryside and pouts because he thinks that God should have destroyed the city because they deserved it. He was angry at God for having mercy on the people of Nineveh.

Well slightly different, but slightly the same is how I acted towards the PPA office in my thoughts and words today.

I started to get angry and bitter in my words towards them because in my mind, had they let me know that I needed to get certain paperwork in before hand, I would not be so behind and I would be able to take the tests on time. I basically sat and complained to Jennifer this morning because of how the PPA office had wronged us.

I feel like I just spat in the face of my Father. Oh wait, I did.

I basically am still in the mindset that it would be better to do things the other way and that I am going to let the PPA office know it because they should have helped me out more.

Wait...isn't that how the Lord showed His face to me...through the brokenness of seeing that things were not going to go the way that I planned, but the way the God had planned.

And who am I to not have mercy on the administrators...My Father has mercy with me daily.

I seriously had a pout party this morning about how angry I was that they didn't tell me what I needed to do. I could have rejoiced at how the Lord had moved in the whole situation, how He caused me to walk in faith by losing the control that I so clung to.

Instead, I get bitter towards the people "responsible".

Thank goodness my Abba is a forgiving Father.

Thanks to anyone who read this, I just needed to confess how off base I have been today. Oh and I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense...the Jonah parallel I think clicks better in my head than how I've written it.

I bought a new planner!

I have a love-hate relationship with my planners.

Sometimes, they are fine and I just use them for what they are meant for, jotting down to-do's.

But then sometimes they take on more meaning for me. Sometimes, they affect my mood. Crazy, right?

Here is my issue, when life gets stressful and full of "to-do's", I just can't handle having that stinkin rec planner. I mean most of the time, thats what I use and I'm fine with it.

But when I am busy and it is BLACK AND WHITE (dreary) and telling me that I need to work out 3 times a week, I just want to punch myself in the face. It makes me so depressed.

Okay, Okay you guys, I know I should be working out 3 times a week, but what if I just filled out my next two weeks of studying and I don't know when I'll have time to breathe? It's not so easy.

Anyways, all of this to say that yesterday I realized that my "final review week" for the CPA (the first of four sections of the exam) starts SATURDAY!! So I had to kind of get a game-plan going for the two weeks before my test.

A lot of times I just get sad looking at my old planner, because its just dreary (explained above) so because I was planning out my studying for the next two weeks, I decided it was NEW planner time! My planner kind of looks like the one pictured above...except cuter :)

It really does make me feel better....don't ask me why....it just does.

So I bought this super cute (super expensive...ouch) planner from target. It was worth it though, because I was able to just sit and kind of plan out how I was going to "attack" this exam.

I think I can do it :) I may drop of the face of the earth for 2 weeks (unless of course you want to come sit next to me at Starbucks!), but all-in-all, I think I can get it done.

Just a quick little fact...I have scheduled 56 hours of studying from this Saturday to next Friday night, with the plan to take the exam on Saturday morning. Okay I know that sounds crazy, but that is only giving myself like 3 hours to review each of the 9 sections, it gives me time to take 2 practice exams that are built just like the exam (so 4 hours long each) and it gives me time to go back over any memorization of rules that I may have forgotten over the month. After all of that, I'm just going to work problems over and over and over...just to get them nailed it.

I am determined to pass.

The one thing cool about all this is that last night, at praise and worship in our small group, I just sat there praising God by thinking of how AWESOME He is...how BIG He is. He is a healing and redeeming God. He is ALMIGHTY AND POWERFUL.

All this studying doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me anymore. Is it a lot of time? Yeah...but it's necessary to do well. And even though I'm busy, I carry my love Jesus with me everywhere. He is my rock and strength, even when I can't find any of my own.

It kind of makes the CPA exam seem like nothing.

Oh that's right....it is nothing compared to my Abba, Jesus.

good :)

One more disclaimer....just because I know and am desiring to be faithful in this whole journey, I know I will break down. I just pray that when I do, I turn to Jesus.

This verse has blown my mind and I really feel like the Lord is teaching me SO much about it with regards to how I walk through this exam "season" of my life:

22So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
Romans 14:22-23

It's that last part that gets me.

It is SIN to do anything without faith.

I don't know that I completely understand, but pray that over me and this exam.

I love you guys who read this and pray for me...it is such a blessing.

Until next time :)