This is a crazy feeling. I don't know that I feel like I am going to miss school so much...but I do think it will be an adjustment.
I've been in school for 18 years of my life. All I have ever known is the seasonality of a school year.
My mom told me the hardest thing will be getting used to always working and not having a three month break for summer or a month long break for Christmas.
I think she is right on the money. I feel like I survive and countdown until the next "break". I won't be able to do that anymore. I won't have the break to look forward to. It will be life from here on out...and there won't be a month long break.
I feel ready though.
Not like I'm going to not have to adjust, but I feel like this time in my life is definitely meant to be drawing to a close. I feel like it is the natural movement of my life.
You know what I'm really excited about? I'm really excited about getting married, about starting life with Reed, about getting to come home to him every night, about being able to finally be one in marriage.
I'm can't wait for it.
Every day I look at him, how nerdy he is, how sensitive to me he is, how spectacular he is, how he loves the Lord, how encouraging he is and how laid back he is.
God made him for me. He had a sovereign plan and from the womb, Reed was molded for me and I for him.
Doesn't mean its going to be perfect or that either of us are always going to act the way we should.
But I look at our two dispositions and just am in awe...I could never have imagined someone as amazing as him to be my husband. I just lack the capacity to dream that up.
So all in all, even though life is changing...I really couldn't be happier!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Beautiful Brokenness
I need to just update everyone on life right now.
This past week has been such a crazy roller coaster for me.
It all started with getting a call on Monday that our apartment had been sublet. This is WONDERFUL news but I'm not going to lie, I was kind of freaking out. At first I resigned to just living with Reed's roommate Zach, but after a couple of good friends expressing their concern around whether or not that would be a wise or good thing for Reed and I's marriage, we decided that we should search for other places to live and have living with Zach a last resort. Not that Zach isn't great, just that living with anyone would be a last resort.
So that began the week of worry. I will be straight up and honest...I did not do this week well at all. I am completely humbled looking back at how I completely let this wreck my life. I have never felt so overwhelmed by something in my life...not ever. I didn't know how I was going to:
1. take the CPA exam in a little over a week when I was so behind
2. find a place for us to live
3. find somewhere for my stuff to go since we had to be out of the apartment by May 20th (also known as the date of my 4th and final CPA exam...which I signed up for in San Antonio)
4. how i was going to get the mountains of school stuff done in the next couple of weeks while simultaneously figuring out all of the above questions.
I know it sounds dramatic but it seriously just hit me like a bombshell and I really did feel hopeless and helpless. Again...I did not handle or do this last week well at all. I'm not really sure what to do with this feeling of "wow I really messed up", other than knowing that I can live in grace and not be confined or enslaved by that sin anymore.
Finally, after we resigned to live in the Valley (down near South Padre where my parent's have a house), we started to get some calls about places to live.
The first is from a lady who is exchanging a small one bedroom apartment above their workshop (which is separate from the house) for 20 hours a week of watching her kids. NO rent, utilities or internet, just needs someone to watch her kids. We are going to meet her on Wednesday and check out the place and meet the kids.
The second option is my friend Jennifer offered her room since she will be living with her husband over the summer in Houston.
Two doors...opened...after we submitted and trusted instead of remaining in a state of panic and bitterness because our plans changed.
I will be honest here....I still haven't learned much from this week. But I know I will, I feel God moving, I just don't know if I've "gotten the picture" yet. But I think I will choose to be faithful instead of worrying and trying to take control.
Oh and one other thing...I had my lingerie shower this weekend and it was SO much fun. But towards the end of the shower I started to feel achy and funny. Once we got in the car my lymph nodes in my groin and neck started throbbing. My whole body just felt feverish and gross.
So yes, I am sick...again.
And again, I'm not sure what this means. I'm not sure spiritually what to even think about my ability to get sick so easily.
But I'm just going to study as much as I can and rest as much as I can and hope that my swollen throat gets better so that I can start feeling better.
God is good. God is powerful and sovereign. God is the only almighty.
I think I lost sight of these truth's this last week. And I'm hoping that I keep getting refined through learning where I messed up this last week and especially through my sickness. It stinks being sick a lot. I can't imagine what only getting sick once a year feels like. But I'm going to choose to believe that God will use my chronic mono, because He is more than a conqueror.
This past week has been such a crazy roller coaster for me.
It all started with getting a call on Monday that our apartment had been sublet. This is WONDERFUL news but I'm not going to lie, I was kind of freaking out. At first I resigned to just living with Reed's roommate Zach, but after a couple of good friends expressing their concern around whether or not that would be a wise or good thing for Reed and I's marriage, we decided that we should search for other places to live and have living with Zach a last resort. Not that Zach isn't great, just that living with anyone would be a last resort.
So that began the week of worry. I will be straight up and honest...I did not do this week well at all. I am completely humbled looking back at how I completely let this wreck my life. I have never felt so overwhelmed by something in my life...not ever. I didn't know how I was going to:
1. take the CPA exam in a little over a week when I was so behind
2. find a place for us to live
3. find somewhere for my stuff to go since we had to be out of the apartment by May 20th (also known as the date of my 4th and final CPA exam...which I signed up for in San Antonio)
4. how i was going to get the mountains of school stuff done in the next couple of weeks while simultaneously figuring out all of the above questions.
I know it sounds dramatic but it seriously just hit me like a bombshell and I really did feel hopeless and helpless. Again...I did not handle or do this last week well at all. I'm not really sure what to do with this feeling of "wow I really messed up", other than knowing that I can live in grace and not be confined or enslaved by that sin anymore.
Finally, after we resigned to live in the Valley (down near South Padre where my parent's have a house), we started to get some calls about places to live.
The first is from a lady who is exchanging a small one bedroom apartment above their workshop (which is separate from the house) for 20 hours a week of watching her kids. NO rent, utilities or internet, just needs someone to watch her kids. We are going to meet her on Wednesday and check out the place and meet the kids.
The second option is my friend Jennifer offered her room since she will be living with her husband over the summer in Houston.
Two doors...opened...after we submitted and trusted instead of remaining in a state of panic and bitterness because our plans changed.
I will be honest here....I still haven't learned much from this week. But I know I will, I feel God moving, I just don't know if I've "gotten the picture" yet. But I think I will choose to be faithful instead of worrying and trying to take control.
Oh and one other thing...I had my lingerie shower this weekend and it was SO much fun. But towards the end of the shower I started to feel achy and funny. Once we got in the car my lymph nodes in my groin and neck started throbbing. My whole body just felt feverish and gross.
So yes, I am sick...again.
And again, I'm not sure what this means. I'm not sure spiritually what to even think about my ability to get sick so easily.
But I'm just going to study as much as I can and rest as much as I can and hope that my swollen throat gets better so that I can start feeling better.
God is good. God is powerful and sovereign. God is the only almighty.
I think I lost sight of these truth's this last week. And I'm hoping that I keep getting refined through learning where I messed up this last week and especially through my sickness. It stinks being sick a lot. I can't imagine what only getting sick once a year feels like. But I'm going to choose to believe that God will use my chronic mono, because He is more than a conqueror.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Extravagance
I was thinking this Easter weekend about how God loves us so extravagantly. There is so much unrestrained love shown on the cross.
One thing that I've been thinking is how it seems that we celebrate Christmas in a big way, without equally ringing in the importance of Christ's death and resurrection.
I'm not saying Christmas isn't amazing and shouldn't be celebrated, but if we miss the importance of the cross and only celebrate Christ's birth, we're missing it. He was born for this one purpose, to drink the cup that the Father set before Him...this cup that meant bearing our sins, it meant dying a painful death for them and it meant separation from the Father.
Our faith in it's entirety rests on what Jesus did on the cross. Without it, there would be no hope or redemption for us. I have hope because my sins are paid for by Christ. I needed a savior...and Jesus willingly became just that. For me. For you. For all.
It just seems so extravagant.
We get to live an abundant life and we are allowed eternity with God. How can I describe or measure that gift?
I don't even have any more words to say about this. It's just been something my heart has been thinking about the last couple days. It seriously gives me shivers every time I think about God's extravagant love for us.
One thing that I've been thinking is how it seems that we celebrate Christmas in a big way, without equally ringing in the importance of Christ's death and resurrection.
I'm not saying Christmas isn't amazing and shouldn't be celebrated, but if we miss the importance of the cross and only celebrate Christ's birth, we're missing it. He was born for this one purpose, to drink the cup that the Father set before Him...this cup that meant bearing our sins, it meant dying a painful death for them and it meant separation from the Father.
Our faith in it's entirety rests on what Jesus did on the cross. Without it, there would be no hope or redemption for us. I have hope because my sins are paid for by Christ. I needed a savior...and Jesus willingly became just that. For me. For you. For all.
It just seems so extravagant.
We get to live an abundant life and we are allowed eternity with God. How can I describe or measure that gift?
I don't even have any more words to say about this. It's just been something my heart has been thinking about the last couple days. It seriously gives me shivers every time I think about God's extravagant love for us.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
kittens
I really really really really want a cat. I mean look at these guys! I could cuddle with them all day long!
A lot of people don't like cats, but I just absolutely love them. I still also love dogs, but I just don't see the need to like just one or the other. Why can't I be a cat AND a dog person?
Anyways, at this point in life, a cat seems like a more manageable pet. Especially since Reed and I don't have any space for a dog.
The biggest thing people tell me is, ugh, cats are so mean! I don't know, I guess that's a chance I'm willing to take. I've met lots of amazingly sweet and sociable cats, so I'm praying that when we adopt a kitten, that it will just naturally have the coolest personality ever, kind of like Wojtek, Rachel's cat.
I have to wait until Christmas though...because Reed and I both agreed we would like to have some time for just us before we decide to have a new living creature with us. Especially since we want a kitten...it's a little too much to get used to 1) having a husband (exciting!) 2) living with a guy (I'm sure there will be some adjustments) and 3) having a husband! ( I know I repeated, but that one is a big one!). I think throwing a brand new kitten into the mix might not be the wisest thing.
But I can't wait until Christmas! I need to start thinking up names though...just so I can be ready with some on hand....
Any suggestions?
I'm so excited!
Monday, April 6, 2009
A description of a worthy woman
Proverbs 31:11-31 ---- I'm getting married in exactly 2 months! :) :) :)
For her worth is far above jewels.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
14She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
16She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
20She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
WOW...I haven't posted in a while....
A lot has gone on the past week. God has been so good to reveal Himself to me in studying, in my lack of studying and everywhere in between. I took the REG section of the CPA exam on Wednesday and felt really at peace about it. Not at peace in the sense that I know I passed, I just was at peace with God's sovereignty. It's amazing how reflecting on the creator helps to put things into perspective. The exam is not all there is to life. It was neat to more than just say that but experience it.
Honestly, the days leading up to the test were amazing. I was joyful and giddy and had some AMAZING time in the Word. There were moments when I was tempted to get defeated and there were moments when I gave into the temptation of distraction. I didn't do last week perfectly, but I felt free in God's grace. I didn't feel guilt or condemnation. I felt hope. I'm not saying I didn't have to look at the points of selfishness and address them seriously, but I didn't beat myself up about them. I don't know if that makes sense but it seems like there is a real difference there. Maybe conviction doesn't have to look like beating myself up?
After the test I just got to spend a good couple of days relaxing and being slow. I picked up Harry Potter again (I know, I know, I'm being judged right now...I still love Jesus) and it was good to have just fun reading. Not studying, not deep, just "fluff". I have to be careful that "fluff" isn't all I read, but it was nice to have a break. I also have been working my way through the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. I've watched bits and pieces for the last couple of days. I seriously forgot how good that movie is. I LOVEEEEE it. I could ramble on about why, but there isn't any need to bore everyone.
The one thing that I am struggling with this week since my test is sleep. Most people know that I have chronic mono. To a lot of people that is a, "So what?" kind of thing. People think that I should be able to run or workout, because I am not visibly sick like most people with mono. But really, doing those things exhausts me a lot more than normal people. To the point where I'm somewhat used to getting sick after working out for a couple of weeks. If I do workout, I have to ensure that I have a good 9 hours of sleep to make sure my body doesn't start into "mono mode" again.
It's hard though...I know how my body is, I know that it is just how life is. But I wish for more. I wish I could wake up early. I wish I didn't need to go to bed at 10 to wake up early. That is why I put the Proverbs 31 scripture above. There has been a verse that is just hitting me deep at my core:
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
I know that I sound crazy, but as much as one side of me desires to sleep in and rest all the time because it makes me physically feel better and I just like sleeping, there is one side of me that truly desires to be able to wake up before my household and serve them. I guess I have this romanticized picture in my head. I'm sure that this verse doesn't mean it was easy for her to rise. But she rose. She got out of bed. I cannot tell you how much of a struggle it is to fight with my body to rise in the mornings. Some morning its great, but if I haven't slept for at least 8 hours, sometimes I just feel like it is physically so hard. It's like past my own self-will hard. I truly want to believe that I can be this woman. I just don't know how to. I know that I have to bring it to the Lord but I will be honest and confess something to you guys here...
Sometimes I am like Sarah and Abraham (the whole, "we're too old to have a kid" bit) and I have doubts about whether God can reverse something that I have been diagnosed with. In the end Abraham believed and it was reckoned to him as righteousness. For the longest time I never new what this meant out of Genesis 15:6, but recently I've been studying it and seeing that it means that because Abraham believed, he was made righteous. It is the example for the ages...faith brings us into righteousness, not our works.
But I have to have faith...and I must confess, I doubt that I can wake up, which means that I doubt God's sovereignty. And as trivial as waking up in the mornings might seem for some people, it is a spiritual struggle for me because it exposes some deep rooted disbelief that I carry.
I know that this is something that I can only turn to the Lord for a deal with it with Him. I must continually put on the new self, full of faith and trust in God. Really this all starts with bearing all of this to the Lord....
I want to be a godly wife for Reed and right now God is totally working on this seemingly small but big part of my life. I just pray for transformation and that I be continual made into the wife I need to be for Reed. Reed is amazing...I love him so much and I truly want the Lord to be the center of our life together...I want us to reflect Christ in our marriage. Pray for our last two months of preparation, that we be continual transformed and prepared for life together.
Description of a Worthy Woman
10An excellent wife, who can find?For her worth is far above jewels.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
14She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
16She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
20She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
WOW...I haven't posted in a while....
A lot has gone on the past week. God has been so good to reveal Himself to me in studying, in my lack of studying and everywhere in between. I took the REG section of the CPA exam on Wednesday and felt really at peace about it. Not at peace in the sense that I know I passed, I just was at peace with God's sovereignty. It's amazing how reflecting on the creator helps to put things into perspective. The exam is not all there is to life. It was neat to more than just say that but experience it.
Honestly, the days leading up to the test were amazing. I was joyful and giddy and had some AMAZING time in the Word. There were moments when I was tempted to get defeated and there were moments when I gave into the temptation of distraction. I didn't do last week perfectly, but I felt free in God's grace. I didn't feel guilt or condemnation. I felt hope. I'm not saying I didn't have to look at the points of selfishness and address them seriously, but I didn't beat myself up about them. I don't know if that makes sense but it seems like there is a real difference there. Maybe conviction doesn't have to look like beating myself up?
After the test I just got to spend a good couple of days relaxing and being slow. I picked up Harry Potter again (I know, I know, I'm being judged right now...I still love Jesus) and it was good to have just fun reading. Not studying, not deep, just "fluff". I have to be careful that "fluff" isn't all I read, but it was nice to have a break. I also have been working my way through the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. I've watched bits and pieces for the last couple of days. I seriously forgot how good that movie is. I LOVEEEEE it. I could ramble on about why, but there isn't any need to bore everyone.
The one thing that I am struggling with this week since my test is sleep. Most people know that I have chronic mono. To a lot of people that is a, "So what?" kind of thing. People think that I should be able to run or workout, because I am not visibly sick like most people with mono. But really, doing those things exhausts me a lot more than normal people. To the point where I'm somewhat used to getting sick after working out for a couple of weeks. If I do workout, I have to ensure that I have a good 9 hours of sleep to make sure my body doesn't start into "mono mode" again.
It's hard though...I know how my body is, I know that it is just how life is. But I wish for more. I wish I could wake up early. I wish I didn't need to go to bed at 10 to wake up early. That is why I put the Proverbs 31 scripture above. There has been a verse that is just hitting me deep at my core:
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
I know that I sound crazy, but as much as one side of me desires to sleep in and rest all the time because it makes me physically feel better and I just like sleeping, there is one side of me that truly desires to be able to wake up before my household and serve them. I guess I have this romanticized picture in my head. I'm sure that this verse doesn't mean it was easy for her to rise. But she rose. She got out of bed. I cannot tell you how much of a struggle it is to fight with my body to rise in the mornings. Some morning its great, but if I haven't slept for at least 8 hours, sometimes I just feel like it is physically so hard. It's like past my own self-will hard. I truly want to believe that I can be this woman. I just don't know how to. I know that I have to bring it to the Lord but I will be honest and confess something to you guys here...
Sometimes I am like Sarah and Abraham (the whole, "we're too old to have a kid" bit) and I have doubts about whether God can reverse something that I have been diagnosed with. In the end Abraham believed and it was reckoned to him as righteousness. For the longest time I never new what this meant out of Genesis 15:6, but recently I've been studying it and seeing that it means that because Abraham believed, he was made righteous. It is the example for the ages...faith brings us into righteousness, not our works.
But I have to have faith...and I must confess, I doubt that I can wake up, which means that I doubt God's sovereignty. And as trivial as waking up in the mornings might seem for some people, it is a spiritual struggle for me because it exposes some deep rooted disbelief that I carry.
I know that this is something that I can only turn to the Lord for a deal with it with Him. I must continually put on the new self, full of faith and trust in God. Really this all starts with bearing all of this to the Lord....
I want to be a godly wife for Reed and right now God is totally working on this seemingly small but big part of my life. I just pray for transformation and that I be continual made into the wife I need to be for Reed. Reed is amazing...I love him so much and I truly want the Lord to be the center of our life together...I want us to reflect Christ in our marriage. Pray for our last two months of preparation, that we be continual transformed and prepared for life together.
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