Rest

This week has been such a hard but good week.

I have learned SO much from the exam I took on Tuesday.

It was ridiculously hard. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't expecting them to ask random obscure questions. It made me feel a little better to know not everyone had the same test, so I had comfort in the fact that I had a hard test.

Then I started thinking of how unfair it would be if I didn't pass and other people did because they got the easy test. If I had there test, I probably would have passed too.

In small ways here and there, bitterness started to creep in my heart. I completely bought into the lie that it was not fair. I deserved better. I worked hard.

I talked with my mentor about it and she hit me dead on with a really hard hitting question...Do I really believe God is sovereign? What is the underlying fear keeping you from believing that?

I thought I had done pretty well thinking God was sovereign but ever since she asked me that question, I started to evaluate my heart on it all.

It was obvious I did not believe at all that God was sovereign. First, by my bitterness and complaints I saw that I truly believed people were in control and they were being unfair.

I guess it hit me hard when I realized that these had just been words for me. God being "sovereign" throughout this process was not being reflected in my thoughts and actions.

Praise God for exposing this sin. I think had my test gone well, I would not have had a clue that I didn't really believe in God's sovereignty because when I professed it before, I really thought I believed it. I needed this bad experience to show me that there were some big areas of darkness in my heart.

I'm still coming to terms with it and wrestling with God about where to go from here. I'm not really sure to be quite honest. But I can say that I am for sure God had everything to do with my test on Tuesday. And His plan had nothing to do with me passing or failing or anything like that. I think that the CPA exam this first time around was not about me getting accounting, but about me trusting God. It was about me learning that I didn't really understand what resting in belief was.

That I am sure of. God intended to teach me a lot. A LOT. I'm still digging through it to be honest. I'm still trying to learn how to love the Lord fully, to find my rest in Him by truly TRULY believing in His will over everything....I'm still trying to see myself, mistakes and all, as truly and completely beloved. I'm still trying to just enjoy being still with God, because He simply is God. And that is never a waste of time.

There are so many things the Lord Jesus is doing right now. Hopefully I can have a little more clarity in what it is later on.

For now, all I can say is the CPA exam was awful, but it revealed my messy heart...without it being awful, I would never have realized my lack of faith and my hypocrisy in professing that God is sovereign. It had to be more than words for me...I had to experience it, to "get" it.

I'm thankful that God is so good and faithful...I'm glad He perseveres and has patience in teaching me. I still don't even "get" it. But at least I see that there is something I need to "get".