Last Little Blog Post...

SIKE!

actually I'm moving to Reed and I's new blog...

http://themillikens.blogspot.com/

Anyways, I'm going to try and post something over there today! So get excited!

P.S. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY LAST NAME IS MILLIKEN!! Yeah, I'm blessed, Reed's the best thing I could have wished for :)

The last one....

This is it.

The last section of the CPA exam.

Maybe not the last one I'll take, because I haven't gotten the scores back.

But the last "first time" I'll take it.

Preparing for these exams has been an up and down, rough and tumble experience.

I think mostly I've learned what it is to trust in God, what it is to love Him over worrying and what it is to choose joy over my circumstances.

I've been reflecting a lot about how God's plan is just so amazingly better than I could have ever imagined...it humbles me that I see it, yet I still choose to worry and "take control".

From here on out, I am determined to hold fast to God's will and to trust in that completely.

I pretty much can guarantee that I won't be perfect at this all the time, but I want to look to Him when things are hard and I want to choose to abide in Him.

4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
5 Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
Psalm 43:4-5

Fixing our eyes upon Jesus

These verses have been challenging and encouraging me this morning...especially with my tendency to let my emotions rule over me. Jesus had emotions, it is evident by His prayers in Gethsemane, but His response is the key. He sought the Father's will (Matthew 26). Through that obedience to the Father, He endured the cross and suffered shame...all for the JOY set before Him. Our Abiding in Christ, Our obedience and submission to His will above our own, these things are what will lead to joy. Not a hope that an emotion might change. Emotions can be all over the place, but my joy remains full in Christ.

Matthew 26:36-46

The Garden of Gethsemane

³⁶ Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray."

³⁷And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed.

³⁸Then He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me."

³⁹And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will."

⁴⁰And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, "So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour?

⁴¹"Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

⁴²He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, "My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done."

⁴³Again He came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.

⁴⁴And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more.

⁴⁵Then He came to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Behold, the hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners.

⁴⁶"Get up, let us be going; behold, the one who betrays Me is at hand!"

Hebrews 12:1-3

Jesus, the Example

¹Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

²fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Abide in Me

My last post was about how I have been struggling with feeling down lately.

I have been praying so much about this in just a raw way. I don't know how to fix it, I don't have strength or will power...I know that I need God's strength. Its the kind of prayer that brings me back to my need for Christ and out of my own illusion of self control.

I want to say this because I want you to know where I was when I wrote that blog post. I was in need and I knew it. About the only thing going for me was the fact that I had a mustard seed of faith and a knowledge that my faith in Christ was the only answer...and so I prayed, not really knowing what to pray, but prayed for help.

It's amazing how faithful God is. The NIGHT after I wrote that blog post, I was digging through my room (at that point there were still a lot of random things scattered around my room) and I found a folder that I had labeled "Bible Studies". I got them off of this website called Lily7 forever ago and I decided to flip through them.

The first was one called 7 days of prayer and I thought "Hmmm, this could be good and helpful since I'm struggling right now", so I kind of put it to the side. The next one was called "Eternity" and I didn't feel really drawn to this one (at least not to do it right now, it looks great). The last one is the one that just took my breathe away...

It was called "Joy". Wow. God, You are AMAZING. And so faithful. I've only just started the study, but its already hit me at the core of my issues...

Getting caught up in my own circumstances and my own self-pity, instead of focusing on the joy that is given through the fruit of the spirit. The core scripture is the following text and it has just hit me SOOOO deep because it is so clear about this subject of joy (and by relation, the feelings of despair and defeat I've been having). It is John 15:1-1...Seriously read this...its so good!

John 15

Jesus Is the Vine--Followers Are Branches

¹"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ²"Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³"You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.

⁴"ABIDE IN ME, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it ABIDES in the vine, so neither can you unless you ABIDE IN ME. ⁵"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who ABIDES IN ME and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶"If anyone does not ABIDE IN ME, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned.

⁷"If you ABIDE IN ME, and My words ABIDE in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸"My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. ⁹"Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; ABIDE IN MY LOVE. ¹⁰"If you keep My commandments, you will ABIDE in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and ABIDE in His love. ¹¹These things I have spoken to you so that My JOY may be in you, and that your JOY may be made FULL. (Emphasis mine)

These verses are just so neat...I mean it makes a reference to abiding in Christ 10 times! This relationship between the vine and the vinedresser and the branches is key to how I've been feeling. Jesus talks about life when we do not abide in Him, it is desolate, withered and futile. But it glorifies God that we bear fruit and prove to be His disciples. Abide in Him. Abide in His love. Theses are the directions Jesus has for us.

And the neatest part for me is the last sentence. The reason, the purpose of speaking these things to you is so that His JOY may be in me and that my JOY may be made full. Our joy is in abiding in Christ and not abiding in ourselves...it is in glorifying God, not glorifying the circumstances of life.

Wow...God is so good and so faithful and so sovereign and so compassionate. I have failed over the past month to see that joy is the fruit of the Spirit, it is not a circumstance that I may happen to be in one day and not happen to be in the next.

I am still learning and working through this, but I just wanted to proclaim how faithful God is when we seek Him. He has totally answered my prayer and is healing my heart from my selfishness. He proves over and over, everday that He is a God who is loving and compassionate and always FAITHFUL.

Confession

I need to confess something that has been going on for maybe the last month or so. I mainly want to do this to 1) ask anyone who reads this to pray for me 2) to foster transparency in my life and 3) to remind myself how much I am still daily in need of Jesus' grace.

Lately I've been struggling with depression-like thoughts. I don't think it is really depression, but I have been just stuck in a rut. I'm not always upset, but I'm mostly apathetic to "down" about things. I've found that I feel defeated a lot with life and school and the feelings of sadness as I walk away from College Station.

I've been praying a lot about these feelings and about how to deal with them. When it comes right down to it, I've chosen to settle into these feelings because I've chosen to focus on myself and my circumstances. Mostly the things that I have chosen to get down about are: the CPA exam, feeling like I don't have time to spend with friends, struggling with still being sick with mono and feeling like I'm always doing something without stopping to take a breath.

Life is hard, but I don't think that I should be choosing to feel down. And I know it's a choice I've made and that its going to be hard to conquer. In fact, on my own, impossible to conquer. But I know that God is love and the His Word says that we have a hope and a future.

I have something to have joy about. Maybe I won't be happy all the time, but I have a reason to have a deep down joy. I'm trying to get that right in my heart. I'm trying to let go of dwelling on myself. But I know that in the end, it is only through God's grace that this is accomplished.

Thanks for listening and thanks for praying...I feel hope rising in me, which is so encouraging, but I know this might be longer than an "overnight" thing. God is teaching me something and I know He is faithful...so I'm going to continue to seek Him through this.

I need your HELLLLLP :)

Okay I'm making my wedding playlist right now and I need song requests sooooooo

any ideas?

Busy, Busy Bees

This week is going to be incredibly busy.

Not really for me, but for Reed it is going to be intense. He is working 40 hours a week and on top of that is having to take 2 tests, 3 or so quizzes, revise and add to his poetry portfolio and write a couple papers....oh and study for finals....

Oh and he has his brother's graduation and his own bachelor party this weekend, which leaves next to no time this week for anything but studying.

I literally blocked out his time this week and have a "life planner" as I like to refer to it. But basically every night after work or class he has to stay up until midnight doing homework. And then he has to wake up early just to start it all over again.

I know that a lot of people function like this all the time and you could think, "What's the big deal, my life is that crazy." Well I'd like a different response, I'd like you to think about how hard those weeks are and pray for us.

Pray mostly for Reed that he would persevere and dedicate his work unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24) and then pray for me as I try on the "strong, encourager and supporter" hat...it's my job from now on, but I know I'm going to stumble around a bit as I practice my role as the helper for Reed.

Today is only the first day and its already been intense. I am now officially our moving committee. By myself. Reed isn't allowed (by me) to think about the moving of all of my stuff into his house this weekend. He isn't allowed to think about any logistics for this weekend's move or for our move in July. His priority is school and trying to not build a heart of fear and anxiety towards his responsibilities with school.

He's done an AMAZING job so far. He's even gotten to see one of the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.....You ready?

I took a drink of Diet Dr. Pepper and like half a drop went down the wrong tube while the rest went down the right tube. It's not that abnormal right? Well naturally my body is coughing to try and get the small half drop out of the wrong tub when, UUUUURP, I spit out the rest of the gulp from the right tube.

Yes....I spit up Diet Dr. Pepper, very similar to how an infant would, on my bed, while Reed was watching me cough.

So poor Reed took a break from studying (which he did about 7ish hours of tonight) and brought me a towel so that it didn't get all over my bed.

He then called me cute about 15 minutes later. I'm sorry but I couldn't help thinking, "ummmmmm, please tell me you remember me just SPITTING UP ON MYSELF".

Oh thank goodness Jesus has a sense of humor...It's those little weird things that get us through these rough weeks.

Last Week of School...EVER

This is a crazy feeling. I don't know that I feel like I am going to miss school so much...but I do think it will be an adjustment.

I've been in school for 18 years of my life. All I have ever known is the seasonality of a school year.

My mom told me the hardest thing will be getting used to always working and not having a three month break for summer or a month long break for Christmas.

I think she is right on the money. I feel like I survive and countdown until the next "break". I won't be able to do that anymore. I won't have the break to look forward to. It will be life from here on out...and there won't be a month long break.

I feel ready though.

Not like I'm going to not have to adjust, but I feel like this time in my life is definitely meant to be drawing to a close. I feel like it is the natural movement of my life.

You know what I'm really excited about? I'm really excited about getting married, about starting life with Reed, about getting to come home to him every night, about being able to finally be one in marriage.

I'm can't wait for it.

Every day I look at him, how nerdy he is, how sensitive to me he is, how spectacular he is, how he loves the Lord, how encouraging he is and how laid back he is.

God made him for me. He had a sovereign plan and from the womb, Reed was molded for me and I for him.

Doesn't mean its going to be perfect or that either of us are always going to act the way we should.

But I look at our two dispositions and just am in awe...I could never have imagined someone as amazing as him to be my husband. I just lack the capacity to dream that up.

So all in all, even though life is changing...I really couldn't be happier!

Beautiful Brokenness

I need to just update everyone on life right now.

This past week has been such a crazy roller coaster for me.

It all started with getting a call on Monday that our apartment had been sublet. This is WONDERFUL news but I'm not going to lie, I was kind of freaking out. At first I resigned to just living with Reed's roommate Zach, but after a couple of good friends expressing their concern around whether or not that would be a wise or good thing for Reed and I's marriage, we decided that we should search for other places to live and have living with Zach a last resort. Not that Zach isn't great, just that living with anyone would be a last resort.

So that began the week of worry. I will be straight up and honest...I did not do this week well at all. I am completely humbled looking back at how I completely let this wreck my life. I have never felt so overwhelmed by something in my life...not ever. I didn't know how I was going to:
1. take the CPA exam in a little over a week when I was so behind
2. find a place for us to live
3. find somewhere for my stuff to go since we had to be out of the apartment by May 20th (also known as the date of my 4th and final CPA exam...which I signed up for in San Antonio)
4. how i was going to get the mountains of school stuff done in the next couple of weeks while simultaneously figuring out all of the above questions.

I know it sounds dramatic but it seriously just hit me like a bombshell and I really did feel hopeless and helpless. Again...I did not handle or do this last week well at all. I'm not really sure what to do with this feeling of "wow I really messed up", other than knowing that I can live in grace and not be confined or enslaved by that sin anymore.

Finally, after we resigned to live in the Valley (down near South Padre where my parent's have a house), we started to get some calls about places to live.

The first is from a lady who is exchanging a small one bedroom apartment above their workshop (which is separate from the house) for 20 hours a week of watching her kids. NO rent, utilities or internet, just needs someone to watch her kids. We are going to meet her on Wednesday and check out the place and meet the kids.

The second option is my friend Jennifer offered her room since she will be living with her husband over the summer in Houston.

Two doors...opened...after we submitted and trusted instead of remaining in a state of panic and bitterness because our plans changed.

I will be honest here....I still haven't learned much from this week. But I know I will, I feel God moving, I just don't know if I've "gotten the picture" yet. But I think I will choose to be faithful instead of worrying and trying to take control.

Oh and one other thing...I had my lingerie shower this weekend and it was SO much fun. But towards the end of the shower I started to feel achy and funny. Once we got in the car my lymph nodes in my groin and neck started throbbing. My whole body just felt feverish and gross.

So yes, I am sick...again.

And again, I'm not sure what this means. I'm not sure spiritually what to even think about my ability to get sick so easily.

But I'm just going to study as much as I can and rest as much as I can and hope that my swollen throat gets better so that I can start feeling better.

God is good. God is powerful and sovereign. God is the only almighty.

I think I lost sight of these truth's this last week. And I'm hoping that I keep getting refined through learning where I messed up this last week and especially through my sickness. It stinks being sick a lot. I can't imagine what only getting sick once a year feels like. But I'm going to choose to believe that God will use my chronic mono, because He is more than a conqueror.

Extravagance

I was thinking this Easter weekend about how God loves us so extravagantly. There is so much unrestrained love shown on the cross.

One thing that I've been thinking is how it seems that we celebrate Christmas in a big way, without equally ringing in the importance of Christ's death and resurrection.

I'm not saying Christmas isn't amazing and shouldn't be celebrated, but if we miss the importance of the cross and only celebrate Christ's birth, we're missing it. He was born for this one purpose, to drink the cup that the Father set before Him...this cup that meant bearing our sins, it meant dying a painful death for them and it meant separation from the Father.

Our faith in it's entirety rests on what Jesus did on the cross. Without it, there would be no hope or redemption for us. I have hope because my sins are paid for by Christ. I needed a savior...and Jesus willingly became just that. For me. For you. For all.

It just seems so extravagant.

We get to live an abundant life and we are allowed eternity with God. How can I describe or measure that gift?

I don't even have any more words to say about this. It's just been something my heart has been thinking about the last couple days. It seriously gives me shivers every time I think about God's extravagant love for us.

kittens

I really really really really want a cat. I mean look at these guys! I could cuddle with them all day long!

A lot of people don't like cats, but I just absolutely love them. I still also love dogs, but I just don't see the need to like just one or the other. Why can't I be a cat AND a dog person?

Anyways, at this point in life, a cat seems like a more manageable pet. Especially since Reed and I don't have any space for a dog.

The biggest thing people tell me is, ugh, cats are so mean! I don't know, I guess that's a chance I'm willing to take. I've met lots of amazingly sweet and sociable cats, so I'm praying that when we adopt a kitten, that it will just naturally have the coolest personality ever, kind of like Wojtek, Rachel's cat.

I have to wait until Christmas though...because Reed and I both agreed we would like to have some time for just us before we decide to have a new living creature with us. Especially since we want a kitten...it's a little too much to get used to 1) having a husband (exciting!) 2) living with a guy (I'm sure there will be some adjustments) and 3) having a husband! ( I know I repeated, but that one is a big one!). I think throwing a brand new kitten into the mix might not be the wisest thing.

But I can't wait until Christmas! I need to start thinking up names though...just so I can be ready with some on hand....

Any suggestions?

I'm so excited!

A description of a worthy woman

Proverbs 31:11-31 ---- I'm getting married in exactly 2 months! :) :) :)

Description of a Worthy Woman

¹⁰An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
¹²She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
¹³She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
¹⁴She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
¹⁵She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
¹⁸She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
²⁰She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
²¹She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
²²She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
²⁵Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
²⁶She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
²⁹"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
³⁰Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
³¹Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

WOW...I haven't posted in a while....

A lot has gone on the past week. God has been so good to reveal Himself to me in studying, in my lack of studying and everywhere in between. I took the REG section of the CPA exam on Wednesday and felt really at peace about it. Not at peace in the sense that I know I passed, I just was at peace with God's sovereignty. It's amazing how reflecting on the creator helps to put things into perspective. The exam is not all there is to life. It was neat to more than just say that but experience it.

Honestly, the days leading up to the test were amazing. I was joyful and giddy and had some AMAZING time in the Word. There were moments when I was tempted to get defeated and there were moments when I gave into the temptation of distraction. I didn't do last week perfectly, but I felt free in God's grace. I didn't feel guilt or condemnation. I felt hope. I'm not saying I didn't have to look at the points of selfishness and address them seriously, but I didn't beat myself up about them. I don't know if that makes sense but it seems like there is a real difference there. Maybe conviction doesn't have to look like beating myself up?

After the test I just got to spend a good couple of days relaxing and being slow. I picked up Harry Potter again (I know, I know, I'm being judged right now...I still love Jesus) and it was good to have just fun reading. Not studying, not deep, just "fluff". I have to be careful that "fluff" isn't all I read, but it was nice to have a break. I also have been working my way through the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. I've watched bits and pieces for the last couple of days. I seriously forgot how good that movie is. I LOVEEEEE it. I could ramble on about why, but there isn't any need to bore everyone.

The one thing that I am struggling with this week since my test is sleep. Most people know that I have chronic mono. To a lot of people that is a, "So what?" kind of thing. People think that I should be able to run or workout, because I am not visibly sick like most people with mono. But really, doing those things exhausts me a lot more than normal people. To the point where I'm somewhat used to getting sick after working out for a couple of weeks. If I do workout, I have to ensure that I have a good 9 hours of sleep to make sure my body doesn't start into "mono mode" again.

It's hard though...I know how my body is, I know that it is just how life is. But I wish for more. I wish I could wake up early. I wish I didn't need to go to bed at 10 to wake up early. That is why I put the Proverbs 31 scripture above. There has been a verse that is just hitting me deep at my core:

¹⁵She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.

I know that I sound crazy, but as much as one side of me desires to sleep in and rest all the time because it makes me physically feel better and I just like sleeping, there is one side of me that truly desires to be able to wake up before my household and serve them. I guess I have this romanticized picture in my head. I'm sure that this verse doesn't mean it was easy for her to rise. But she rose. She got out of bed. I cannot tell you how much of a struggle it is to fight with my body to rise in the mornings. Some morning its great, but if I haven't slept for at least 8 hours, sometimes I just feel like it is physically so hard. It's like past my own self-will hard. I truly want to believe that I can be this woman. I just don't know how to. I know that I have to bring it to the Lord but I will be honest and confess something to you guys here...

Sometimes I am like Sarah and Abraham (the whole, "we're too old to have a kid" bit) and I have doubts about whether God can reverse something that I have been diagnosed with. In the end Abraham believed and it was reckoned to him as righteousness. For the longest time I never new what this meant out of Genesis 15:6, but recently I've been studying it and seeing that it means that because Abraham believed, he was made righteous. It is the example for the ages...faith brings us into righteousness, not our works.

But I have to have faith...and I must confess, I doubt that I can wake up, which means that I doubt God's sovereignty. And as trivial as waking up in the mornings might seem for some people, it is a spiritual struggle for me because it exposes some deep rooted disbelief that I carry.

I know that this is something that I can only turn to the Lord for a deal with it with Him. I must continually put on the new self, full of faith and trust in God. Really this all starts with bearing all of this to the Lord....

I want to be a godly wife for Reed and right now God is totally working on this seemingly small but big part of my life. I just pray for transformation and that I be continual made into the wife I need to be for Reed. Reed is amazing...I love him so much and I truly want the Lord to be the center of our life together...I want us to reflect Christ in our marriage. Pray for our last two months of preparation, that we be continual transformed and prepared for life together.

I'm hardcore!

Sooooooooooooooo I got a little behind in studying.

And then all the sudden my test is in 6 days.

That equals me studying for 8 hours Monday, 8.5 hours yesterday and an estimated 8.5 hours today. Oh yeah and the same for the next couple days (minus Sunday, that will only be like 4 or 5 hours) until my test on Wednesday.

What is amazing, is I have not gotten burnt out.

I have to study this much though, because I haven't finished all the lectures (me writing this blog is a little break :) ). The lectures are typically 3 1/2 to 4ish hours. Then I have to reread the notes, so that I can actually know the material. Then I work the problems, which typically takes me 2 hours. I'm like halfway done with a lecture right now. So today is doing the work for that lecture and tomorrow I can finish the last lecture. Then I can have Saturday, Sunday (not for very much time, like I said above, I need a break sometime, plus Jesus time is non-negotiable). Then I still have Monday and Tuesday to review.

This is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY the Lord. I don't regret getting behind last week. I got some good time with family and got to be with Reed and his family when they needed me.

But it is just such a blessing to have strength the past couple of days. God is SO good! Like I have had energy to have quiet times (more consistent than when I have tons of time...funny isn't it) and I have been able to pull of working 4 hours and then still coming home and studying a full 8 to 8.5.

I pinned up Colossians 3:23-24 over my desk (where I have been doing most of my studying) and it has been so encouraging every time I want to give up. It says:

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

All I can keep saying, is this is totally God's grace. I've never been so encouraged and spurred on my reading a verse above my computer amidst studying. Usually studying makes me stress, cause I realize I'm so behind. But having God's Word above my study area has been a blessing.

Spring Break Update

Okay so I thought I was going to take pictures this spring break, but ended up not. I'm sorry. I promise I'll try and take pictures sometime so you guys can remember what my face looks like.

The biggest reason why I didn't take any pictures is because this break was ridiculously busy. It started with us getting into town late Saturday, then waking up the next morning to go to church, then running around after church trying to find some stuff for my first bridal shower and then racing to the bridal shower.

The shower was just EXHAUSTING. In the best way ever, but it tires me to have to be social and smiling for that long. I loved it though. It was so neat to have so many woman around me that loved me and were supporting me. All in all, I feel incredibly blessed.

The next couple of days were a whirlwind of dress fittings, shoe shopping, dress shopping, floral shopping and meeting with our event center. Reed's mom and sister were also in town, which meant that we spent a day in Fredricksburg too. By Wednesday, I was SO exhausted! But we managed to go shopping AGAIN that day to try and find a dress for my mom. It was good, but by the time we got back, I was pooped.

Thursday was an interesting day. It started with studying and then meeting my friend Meredith Harrell for a little lunch break (which was amazing and so needed). When I got back, I hung out with Reed and watched him beat the original Zelda game on our wii. We eventually had dinner and then Kristen (my sister) and I played mario party 8 on the wii. At the very end of our game Reed got a call from his dad that his grandparents (his dad's parents) had both died earlier that day in a car accident somewhere between Denver and Casper, WY (that is where they live). His dad had just found out and was calling him to let him know.

Reed was just shocked. For a while he just needed to sit and cry. Eventually, we started talking and decided we needed to go to Dallas to be with his family. We had heard that his grandparents didn't want a service, but Reed's dad was having a hard time so we knew that we needed to just be with them this weekend.

So the next day we ended up going to Dallas and the car ride was good. We just got a chance to talk and it really helped Reed settle down and feel a little better. We laughed and listened to music until I got a text from Jennifer telling me that CPA exam scores were up. I immediately went into nervous mode as Reed and I searched for free wi-fi. We finally found a Subway and I checked my grades and I PASSED! It was really exciting and Reed was really excited for me :)

After that, we kept on to Dallas and spent the weekend with his parents and sister. Reed helped to write the obituary and spent some good time with his dad. One evening we played diceology and his dad had such a great time. It was so good to see him smile :)

Things are still hard for their family, especially Reed's dad. I think he is just going to be sad about it for a while. The whole family is headed up to Wyoming this weekend for the reception, so please keep Reed, his dad and the rest of his family in your prayers.

God is good. And His timing is good. Pray that that truth would be a comfort to Reed's family.

I just don't know what to do with myself

Remember My Best Friend's Wedding, when Cameron Diaz sings that AWFUL song at the karaoke bar? Well that's what my title just made me think of :)

But I really don't know what to do with myself recently. I am still not feeling 100% and I don't think its that I'm so sick, it's just that I am so tired. My mom keeps telling me that its just how things are when you have chronic mono, and I'm sure that's true...but what do you do with yourself when moving around makes your lymph nodes swell up and makes you feel like its 4 AM all the time.

Well yesterday I just stayed in bed all day. Part of the day, I listened to Harry Potter playing on my laptop and just napped. When I finally woke up from my nap, I did some email checking and watched The Office.

After that, I took a shower and went to our friend's house to play the wii. You would think after a day of "saving up" my energy I would be able to go play the wii and have a little bit of energy.

Kid you not, I was tired at 9:30. We got there at like 7:30. LAME.

It's okay though, because today is just going to be catching up on CPA exam stuff. The good thing about that is I can do it all in my bed. Praise God for laptops, because I can be "resting" and also getting some catch-up stuff done as well.

Oh and one more thing...my favorite team, Liverpool, just beat Manchester United 4-1. That is like a dominating win. Not just "oh they won"...it's like "oh they just EMBARRASSED them!" haha! Here is a picture of Reed and I's favorite players! Torres (my favorite) is on the left and Gerrard (Reed's favorite) is on the right!

Have you filed your taxes?

I JUST DID!

As lame as it is...filing my taxes was my break from studying and working taxation problems.

I don't know if anyone out there knows this, but if you are low income (like below $33,000) you can use turbo tax online for free.

I've never used turbo tax but it is SO great! I love it! I love not having to worry about all the little tax rules! And I'm getting a lot back because I've been paying for my own school!

:)

Exciting!

Random fact: I've decided that I need to use my camera more. My freshman and sophomore year I used that sucker all the time. So be ready for a Spring Break Photo Update!

And other updates: I'm feeling so much better from being so sick on Sunday and Monday. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my doctor knows I have chronic mono, therefore he knows the meds that will "aggressively" kick whatever it is that I have. Apparently I had a bacterial infection in my throat. Apparently I don't even have to know anyone who has had this illness in order to catch it. I love my immune system!

The only weird thing about these meds is that they almost make me feel too energized. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and DEFINITELY regretted it this morning. Suprisingly, though, I haven't had any caffeine this morning. I mean I'm about to have a Diet Dr. Pepper, but making it to 10:30 without caffeine is saying something for me!

Okay well I'm off to work on my notecards then get some grub from Mays Fest. $ .50 Double Dave's pizza rolls and $1.00 Jamba Juice! You better believe that's where I'm getting my lunch from today! You can't beat those prices...You could get a decent lunch for $3!!

Yummmm :)

Taxes are Crazy!

They seriously are...I think I have an especially hard time studying them because they make no sense. The numbers are completely arbitrary it seems like.

This week's been weird because firstly, I HATE TAXES. I will never do them for anyone, unless they hand over turbo-tax...then I MIGHT. Secondly, I got this crazy phantom sickness Sunday. I have been really tired all week, but not much more than tired. Well I got this sudden feeling of tiredness so I took a nap and woke up feeling awful.

My throat was swollen, my ears were plugged, my whole head felt like it hated me with a passion and my body sort of ached.

It was like instant. Before the nap, I'm fine, after I wake up and feel like a zombie.

Poor bible study girls...I was so tired and so deathly looking. haha.

Anyways, Dr. Bacak is great and got me on some meds that have definitely calmed things down a TON...but now I'm in the stage where I'm still a little tired, but I know that I have enough energy to get some school work done. It just takes me an extra boost of energy to get motivated to memorize tax laws.

Sick out.

But here I go...Off to study! Pray for me, I hate getting sick, so I'm hoping this one is short.

¹Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

²fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Running

So I have been having a really rough week. Emotionally I have just been really down and pretty much spent. I have also been so exhausted. I sleep at least 9 hours a night and sometimes during the day, if I don't drink caffeine often enough, I feel like I can't survive unless I sleep.

All in all, its just been a crazy week. I've found myself crying a lot. I've found myself sleeping a lot. I've found myself going and going a lot.

The one thing I haven't found, is myself in the Word.

I think because the week has been so hard on me, that I've just put off my time with God because I either felt like I wanted to just survive or I felt incredibly tired.

Yesterday, I realized that I had a major issue with how I approached the rough times in my life. I have had a lot of personal things going on in my head. I've messed up and been hurt. But the biggest mistake I made was not turning to Jesus.

There were times intermittently that I would talk to God and come to Him with my hurts, but all in all, I didn't put God has my highest priority. I can know this for sure because despite my busy week, I still made time to work out three times. Spending time in the Word got no time.

Last night I started feeling better, I started feeling like I wasn't just trying to keep my head above water throughout this week and with that feeling, came conviction. How did my actions over the past week reflect Christ as my Savior? I mean I needed help and encouragement this week. A lot of it. Why did I not go to the one that I profess to love the most. It's like I just gave up. In fact, I know I gave up. I was so exhausted from keeping afloat.

As I was laying in bed last night I began to reflect on a bible study (that I haven't done in forever) that I am currently doing on Abraham. I'm only in the beginning parts of it, but one of the key things that is show in Genesis 12-15 is that God rewards obedience to Him. Not rewards like every time you do something great, He will give you something great. But it pleases Him when we are obedient and therefore He rewards us, whether we see the reward now or later.

This led me to really sit and think with God....What is it, specifically, that I need to obey?

The Lord led me clearly to a couple of things:
-I need to fight for my time with Him and with His Word. That means everyday, fight for it.
-I need to extend grace, whether I am given it all the time or not. I need to unconditionally extend grace.
-I need to let go of my pride. There are too many times when I don't extend love or affection because I am too proud to be soft. Or I get angry and bitter when I don't make the best grade, because deep down my pride in my grades is hurt. I need to let go of the pride.

I went to bed last night thinking....neat, cool....now what? I want to change my heart about these things, but how do you do it. Do I just say "heart...CHANGE NOW!" So I fell asleep wondering, how in the world could I help to get my heart right. I decided that I would wake up this morning, run (hopefully waking me up enough to get through quiet time without falling asleep) and then I would dig through these things with the Lord.

Well I didn't even realize that the Lord had plans for my run. He wanted to teach me half of the lesson by running. I still am going to dig in the Word with Him right now, but I wanted to write down what I had learned on my run before I forgot.

I realized that my biggest problem is perseverance. I don't FIX my eyes upon Jesus...upon the Cross...Upon the shame He carried WILLINGLY.

the definition for fix is to settle definitely; determine. A definite settling. My biggest problem is when times get hard, when I hurt, my eyes become unfixed. They are not fixed on Jesus anymore.

This morning, running, Hebrews 12:1-3 became so real to me:

¹Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

²fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I think it is so neat that our christian life is compared to a running a race. Having just run myself, I know that there are points in the run where the wind is beating down on me and I am running probably as fast as I could walk. There are also times when obstacles are in the way...brush, cars, people. All of these times take endurance, to keep pushing.

There is a race set before us. A race hurts sometimes (like when your chest and legs are burning) but we are called to endure because Jesus died on the cross so that we would "not grow weary and lose heart". I grew weary and definitely lost heart this past week. Because it was such a rough week, I decided to start walking and feeling sorry for myself. Not because I deserved it, but because it was easier. It is so much easier to just finish a run by walking. But to endure and finish well, that is where true determination and endurance lies. Choosing to press on, despite hurt.

God has revealed so much to me this morning through this run. I think He has given me a glimpse at how to work on all of those things that I need to be obedient on...I need to endure and persevere and LOOK TO WHAT JESUS DID ON THE CROSS.

There is a race set before you and me...I have to face it. Whether we run or not, it's there. It's not a choice, this is what accepting Christ looks like. It will be us striving to run the race well because it was "set before us". I pray we run it with great endurance. Hopefully when we have weeks like I just had, we run, we persevere instead of walking. I pray that we grab hold of grace and let it be our strength. We could never run this race on our own. We will always grow weary and lose heart if we are on our own. But fixing our eyes upon Jesus andgrabbing hold of the grace He offers us daily, we will not only be refined but we will never grow weary or lose heart.

For me that is such a comforting thing after a week where I truly did grow so incredibly weary and I know that I allowed myself to lose heart.

I'm not so good at memory verses but I think that this is going to be mine for this next week or so. I want this to be my constant encouragement and challenge as I walk through my day.

One final thought to spur us all on. There are two definitions of perseverance on dictionary.com:

1. Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

I'm praying for perseverance for us all. Until the end, let us persevere together in this race that has been set before us.

Less than 100 days!

Days to Wedding: 96!

I'm not much of a countdown girl...and if it wasn't for the fact that Reed's mom has the recordable toilet paper rolls (you know, the ones where you pull the roll and it says something to you) I would never have known it was under 100.

This is what I heard the first time I had to go to the restroom this weekend....

"Welcome back! In 99 days you can wear that wedding band for real!"

Hahaha! She's so funny.

It is crazy though to think about it all. Crazy exciting.

In other news, I have a SUPER busy week. Apparently I relaxed TOO much this weekend. I have a test tomorrow, a paper due Thursday and an assignment due on Friday. All the while I have to be keeping up with my CPA stuff...ugh.

Also, could you guys pray for the families of the student who was killed and students who were injured in a car/pedestrian accident this weekend. The girl who died was in PPA...I was in class with her. The other girl in the hospital is in PPA too.

The whole thing has been on my mind the past 12 hours. It's just so sad, they were just in a parking garage, in line paying for their parking and an out of control truck ran through the line of people. They were honestly probably having a night off after their last exam...celebrating the fact that they had two done. I didn't know this girl well, but she apparently was just a great girl. Involved in christian business leaders and in PPA. She probably had been working so hard studying for her exams, making sacrifices because in the end it would help her career. Those are all good things and the rest of us all need to continue do press on. It's just sad when a life gets ended like that. It makes you realize how our time on earth is fleeting.

It really just gives you a whole different perspective on life.

Here is the link to the story: http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/40500312.html

Exercise!!!

Guess what! I have started to exercise again!

It has been A LONG time since I have exercised. My two main reasons for not working out have been battling with feeling to busy with studying and feeling scared that if I work out, I'll get mono again. Being the anomaly who gets mono THREE times when your supposed to get it once and then never have to deal with it again, I am a little hesitant to exert myself physically. At least not too much, too quickly.

My first day of working out started with a 45 minute walk. I actually wasn't really keeping track of time and I'm not really sure I know how far I went. I do know that I tried to do the proper technique of power walking, ie the heel to toe walk and a much faster pace then my normal walk. It felt SO good to walk and enjoy the weather.

Throughout the walk I listened to my favorite Caedmon's Call CD and decided that I was going to sing out loud, because who cares what the people in the cars think of me. I like to sing...so what?!?!

Anyways, by the end of the walk, the power walking was really starting to work my upper thighs and my calves. If you do the right technique, power walking is a pretty good workout.

Then I got home and discovered my new workout buddy...the Wii Fit!

It is so cool! You play little games to do aerobics and strength training and balance training workouts. By the time you've done 30 minutes, you don't even realized that you've worked out your abs and your legs!

My favorite was the hula hoop game! That is the one I have pictured above. Basically because your standing on the wii fit board, it can tell how you are shifting your weight and therefore it will "hula" on the screen. While your doing it, its amazing how much your abs and your back get worked out by doing the circular hip motion. It's way cool.

They also have strength training stuff, so you can do ab exercises, arm exercises, and leg exercises.

By the end of the whole work out, the walk and the wii fit, I felt SO GOOD! I mean I was a little sore, but not overly sore. It was a perfect balance of feeling like my body had gotten some work in, but at the same time not overexerting myself.

I think that this might be my new workout plan, walk (eventually getting to a jog, then run) and do wii fit!

I'm pretty gosh darn excited :) :) :)